the struggle is real

i had an opendiary, back in the day.  i’ll never remember what my old password is so i’ll never be able to access it.  the email address it was linked to is defunct.  its ok though.  i started it when i was, what 18?  i’m 39 now.  much has changed.  i have changed.  its probably better to start anew.

i decided to make a new one because i’m in a place in life where i feel like i’m struggling.. on all fronts.  and its exhausting.  i need somewhere to let it all out.  i don’t really have any friends, aside from my work friends.  and i’m sure they are sick of hearing me complain about the same things all the time.  and i don’t want to be known as the “complainer”.  i feel like i’ve got that title now, and its not who i am, really.  i’m just struggling.

i feel like i’m struggling in literally every aspect of my life and i’m like a deer in headlights.  i don’t know how to change the course i’m on.  like, i “know” but i don’t know how to put anything into action.

it spans across work, my weight, my house, my relationship, my habits, my thoughts, my anger, my lack of organization, my health… its never ending.

…

its a busy time at work.  end of year/beginning of year always is.  sometimes i feel like i’m in a good spot, or at least in a better spot than i’ve been at this time in years past.  other times i feel like i have no idea what is going on, like i don’t have a handle on anything and my failure is eminent.  the biggest and obvious problem i have is my emails.  i mean it sounds so simple, right?  but i just get so many all the time and to work on each one isn’t just a quick answer.  it usually involves some research which could take hours.  i write new accounts for an insurance company.  while i’m not technically a sales person, i’m a sales person.  i could either work on a new account or spend hours on an email.  i’m going to choose the new account every time.  but thats where i get into trouble.  because then second requests come rolling in, sometimes the same day..sometimes the next day.. sometimes they include my boss.  which then turns into “what is the delay here”.  conversely, if i spend a day just focusing on my email then i get behind in my accounts.  then the “whats the status” emails start rolling in.  the effective date comes up before i know it and now i’ve lost out on an opportunity to write something new.  now, the good news is that i’ve hit my sales goal for the year.  my focus is largely on accounts for the new year, and 1/1 is a big day for policies.  i have a strong january, so i do feel good about that.  i work with some people that don’t really carry their share of the weight.  the last few months has been “light” and me and my actual sales counterpart are constantly asked “what are you going to do to fix this, what are you going to do, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO”.  its overwhelming.  because what they don’t know is that i have 2093802983 other things to do besides making sales calls when there is a member of the team who literally has this job and is just bad at it.  and he’s been bad at it.  for years.  everyone is frustrated.  but no one tells this dude how to like.. do his job.  there’s a lot of passive aggressive emails thrown about, a lot of “what are you going to do”‘s but no one is ever like “why don’t you do _____”.  now listen, i realize it isn’t a manager’s job to hold their employees’ hands.  sometimes you have to answer a question with a question to help your employee grow.  but to never actually provide real guidance isn’t going to help anyone.  my boss is NOT my counterpart’s boss.  but my boss gets super frustrated and complains to me about this guy.  even my boss’s boss complains about him.  and my counterpart’s boss is continually disappointed with results.  i try my best to help this guy out and be more direct but he disregards what i say.  i’m not his boss.  and no one in management takes any onus on this.  i feel like my parents are fighting and i’m stuck in the middle where they just talk bad about each other to me.  i know what *i* need to do to start the year out right.  i know i’ll probably have to do more traveling than my colleagues to get the same results.  i know what i have to do.  but it is a bit concerning to me that this guy just gets to skate on by…

i know overtime will help my backlog.  but.  overtime is a difficult thing to do.  i have a 2 year old.  and most of the time my bf is helpful.  but i know he has a short temper and zero patience.  and a 2 year old, is…chaotic.  and requires patience.  so i don’t like to leave them alone together for too long.  now listen, i’m not afraid bf will hurt him or anything like that.  i just know he’ll get frustrated and mad and the “when are you coming home” texts will start before i even get to make a dent in my work.  just the other day, i left MAYBE 10 minutes later than normal.  i was on my way home and the “when are you coming home” text showed up.  it wasn’t even 5 o’clock yet.  trying to squeeze in an extra hour or two of work will just stress everyone out and make everything awful.

and this kind of lines up nicely with my weight struggles.  i’d love to get in an exercise routine.  but how?  when??  i’d love to hop on the elliptical when i got home for like 30 mins, but i’d run into the same problem.  also, i’m tired.  after the kid goes to bed i could try to do it, but i’m just so tired and need some time to decompress.  early in the morning is not even close to possible as the kid wakes up at all sorts of crazy times.  i know these are all excuses.  i know i should just do it.  i know that exercising will give me more energy and i just need to do it.  i need to just do it.

i need to stop eating like crap.  i’m trying to stop soda.  its hard.  i know i need to give up my coffee w/ sugar.  its hard.  i don’t know what to make for dinner.  kid only eats mac & cheese, hot dogs and chicken nuggets.  i tryyyyyy to get him to eat other things but he refuses!  i need to fix the food situation.  i don’t know where to begin besides the soda and the sugar.  i just don’t know how to do it.  i don’t do the grocery shopping, bf does.  i think i need to take it over.

i already pay for just about everything though.  we do split the mortgage but thats about it.  he buys groceries.  i pay for electric, heat, cable, internet, cell phone, DAYCARE.  i don’t really want to add on another expense.  and i’ve asked for at least a year for him to take over one of the bills, but… he hasn’t yet.  if i ask too much i’m nagging, if i don’t stay on top of things, nothing gets done.  listen, i can be lazy too.  i put things off, clearly.  but he takes it to another level sometimes.  it’s…. frustrating.

ugh i just read everything i’ve written so far and i’m tired just reading it.  i hope this will help me.  i hope i can find my own path.  i have to figure this out.