אני קושית יפה/I’m a Cute Black Girl Pg 103
So much has been going on in my life causing me to step back from OD and just focus on what can get me through to the next day but I am slowly starting to struggle with that too and I don’t know waht to do. Anyway this post isn’t about that.
I took part in that yesterday(Monday)…and since I was working too I did drink water with lime cordial but I didn’t put anything into my mouth during that fast period of 11:50 – 20:00 yesterday(Monday).
It felt good to fast and give up something for a greater cause. Those hostages (living and murdered) need to be released. Every hostage on this earth needs to be released to their loved ones and allowed back to the life they need to rebuild.
Call me a lil selfish but when I fasted I did consider getting something in return too…but that didn’t happen. I now find myself in a worse position; financially, emotionally, personally.
Yesterday (Tuesday) I saw on Facebook and Instagram that Shiri Bibas, Ariel Bibas, Kfir Bibas are no longer living and their bodies will be amongst the 4 that H Terrorist will release to the IDF tomorrow.
I cannot fathom the horror all those hostages went through and are still going through and all their loved ones.
Kfir Bibas spent his 1st birthday as a hostage.
I don’t understand how anyone can side with Hamas or even the Palestinians as a whole. Before I used to feel for the innocent Palestinians, and part of me still does, but when you read how they elected Hamas to lead them, how civilians hid hostages, how civilians lead the October 7th attack on Israel and how they are the ones that destroy any good that gets given to them; one does question how innocent are they. But then again you gotta remember that Hamas does lead with a sword and force the civilians to do things whether they want to or not. But then so many Germans helped the Jews during the Holocaust and hid them and helped them get out when they could. I dunno.
I find this world and life so messed up. As much as I love and trust and believe in G-d I wonder how he could let this happen and how my life just keeps getting harder.
I figured I would do some washing today but the electricity is probably just enough to see us through for the next few weeks…if that. I am not going to go to a Shul meeting tonight because I cannot buy snacks to bring to the meeting…and so I feel rather bad for not being able to play my part in my Shul council. I feel as if the wind has been blown out my sails and I don’t know where to turn to. My bank account is in overdraft…the lil cash I have is to pay for parking for my job and pay for petrol and whatever lil food I can get to feed my husband and myself.
I am feeling so alone right now. I’m so over life.
I need to find the strength to keep pushing through the day and be willing to make the changes I need and to keep trying. I am too young to no longer be on this earth and too many people have invested in me to do better.
Funny how when I was searching online for a prayer to be blessed with wealth, I came across Hebrew 13:5 which tells us not to be led and driven by money. But how can we not when everything in our lives relies on how much we make and on paying those bills and meeting financial obligations? I wish I lived in a time where I could trade my skills for food and rent and electricity and petrol and entertainment etc.
I think my biggest problem is how I feel like such a failure. I grow up with so much possibilities and potential to really do well and make a difference. But I have squandered my chances and now I am lost and don’t have much. I can sit here and right about so much and who I can blame but the honest truth is that through my life I made the choices I made and so I have no one else to really blame but myself.
Oh well. What am I gonna do now? I need to come up with a plan and make it happen, cuz no one is gonna do it for me but me.
My husband will console me but I can’t really trust that he will or can do anything to make it all better.