I am…..

….so many things right now…none of which are good. I am…

I am sure I could think of many other things, but right now I feel as if I am a collage of all those feelings and characteristics.

All I wanted yesterday was to have a good day.

My bank account had some life in it again…so I started my day doing what I love to do…went shopping, nothing fancy or unnecessary… just filled up the fridge…then came home and prepared a picnic for myself and my husband and off we went to the Green Point Urban Park and just chilled.

While I was preparing our picnic he went to purchase airtime for his mom and sister, but when he returned I felt as if something was not right. I brushed that feeling off…

On Friday, I had made a booking for us to have supper at a restaurant that we like…just figured we could live a lil. So after our picnic and laze around our flat I showered and got a lil dolled up…he seemed off the whole time.

I mean I can understand the stresses he is dealing with…

For the past few weeks his uncle has been in hospital…fighting leukemia and every few days he gets news from his family that are there with him, telling him how he is doing, his condition has been up and down. On Friday his mother told him that things were not doing well and how the whole family was making arrangements to be there in Pretoria, so they call could be there together and prepare for his passing. We live in Cape Town and currently have limited to no cash at all…so getting there is not a real possibility. 

While I was getting dressed I have reason to believe he took a few shots of vodka…I saw his hidden stash…

Just before we left her asked me if I would buy him booze…he went on to say that he would be drinking and so he wanted to buy a bottle of vodka and so he could drink all night, then he wouldn’t order any drinks at the restaurant therefore not ring up the tab.

I agreed to it…I said okay before I even caught by next breath.

…… and …….

No…who am I kidding? I just wanted to have a good nigh. I knew if I said no, then we would get into a fight and the night would be ruined. I wanted to have a few drinks too, and knew I would feel bad drinking in front of him…I wanted a good night and thought by just giving in to him that would happen…

Boy was I wrong…

I ate the meal on my own, as when the food came be needed to check on the car…

When he came back, and I had finished eating he was no longer hungry and I ordered food that he didn’t want…HE ORDERED FOR HIMSELF!! I as peeved so didn’t want to talk, but he wanted to and got upset that I wasn’t responding to him. What the fuck was I to say to him, while he was verbally abusing me, telling me that I am never there for him, only when I need money (I am fucking paying for everything), he goes on and on…thankfully I just shut him out, asked for the bill and left.

We get home and he shouts that he knows the flat is mine…I am a cold person…he knows I am going to run to my family and tell them what a bad person he is and make him look bad to him…

Not wanting to get into this squabble with him, I slipped on my  and marched to the promenade and cooled off.

A few minutes later I walk into our flat and see him packing his clothes up. I just put on my nightie and climb into bed…