I’m an Enabler….

Never thought of myself as one. But if I am being honest then I guess that is a title I should carry…but I do think it is unfair that I am put in a position that makes me one. I think it is further upsetting how I keep putting myself in these positions and I don’t see a way out.

Yesterday so much happened…

While I was at work I told my husband how I want him to make more of an effort for me and towards our marriage. Reminded him of the time when we were just starting our relationship and he lit candles in our house leading to a bubble bath he had made for me…reminded him about how we made time for each other outside of our work and even though I work was draining we still sucked it up to give ourselves to each other… but that doesn’t mean we should ever stop trying for each other.

I mean I sure haven’t. Anyway I got home and made a quick supper and then dashed off to shul. I came back to a flat lit with candles and some country music playing on Alexa…

I thought it was all romantic and nice…

Anyway before I came home from work and getting my nails done …I decided while I was out at the shops that I wanted some 

                                                                                                                      

I didn’t need the Smirnoff Vodka…I bought  enough Vodka Spritzers to get me through the next month  but I knot he won’t enjoy them and so bough the Smirnoff Vodka and some mixers too…While we were eating I told him that this alcohol better last us until Sunday night at least.

During supper he had a shot of Vodka and a glass of the Rose. When I was ready to go off to sleep he decided that was the time he wanted more of my attention and kept asking me to play PS4 with him. But I declined.

Anyway I wake up this morning and saw in the kitchen how at least another glass or two was drunk of the Rose and he had another 1.5 shot of Vodka.

I climbed into bed and my head started spinning…

I have to go to work later but… and hide the drinks in the boot of my car…

… but why do I have to do all this? why can I not just leave the flat with all the drinks in the fridge etc??? , I don’t know how much I trust him.

Isn’t that an issue?

I think that is what it comes down to…

Often in my life and in these posts I have mentioned how I don’t fully trust him. When am I going to reach the point when I know that I am not in the right relationship and I need to move on.

Earlier this week…after reading last weeks  aka …I had it all figured out…

 and after doing the things that I would like to do…help community and make our shul dream a reality and then invest in myself and family and his too…I would get that house… The house that I could build almost similar to how Hashem described how the Tabernacle was to be build.

Last week…I got my husband to remove the , I let him hang in our home. Since he removed it things have been feeling spiritually clean in the home…he did mention that last night too.

Anyway…so I would have a place to move to and in my thoughts he would rent out the flat from me.

I don’t know what that means how that thought makes me smile and is something I would be happy with.

Okay…I am going off track…  I let alcohol into our lives under my conditions. As long as I am buying it and approve of it then it is okay. At least it is okay in my eyes… But the truth of the matter is, is that I know of his drinking issues and how it gets to me and can ruin a night or mood…so why do I bring it around him…but then I know and have speculated that he goes off and buys alocohol on his own…there is liquor store literally a block and a half away from our flat…and just last week I learnt something new…

our building manager’s wife doesn’t like to leave the flat…she is always in her flat and gets her husband (building manager) to leave and get things. Last week the building manager went out from some reason….I was up and getting ready for work so when she came to knock on the door I was dressed and ready….she asked to speak to my husband. Didn’t think anything wrong with that, so I called him and I went off to continue getting ready for work….a few minutes later he came to me and told me how she asked him to go to the liquor store to buy her some booze…and he could buy for himself too…he told me he said that he couldn’t go and he told me how he couldn’t go because I was home.  BTW, this was at like 8:40 am.

I don’t know if he went after I left about an hour later…but what I do I know is how this happened another time during the week. And there have been times where I have wondered if he had been drinking and there have been times when I have looked around for any hidden bottles of booze.

But here comes the real dilemma…

Honestly, I know I am not an enabler…he can control himself, but just gets excited when he sees alcohol and further more…he has his own ways to get what he wants weather I am around or not.

The question is what next with me and us?

In my posts and in my thoughts I have labelled him many negatives things…

 

Am I okay with sharing my life with this person for the rest of my life? How do I get out with the little that I have? Am I ready to be honest with my father and ask him to help me out? I think I am ready to ask for help and to get out.

I have admitted how I don’t want to be alone and so I have willingly settled with him…but I know I deserve more and unless I ask, I am not going to get more and unless I do something I am not going to get more either.

 and right now I cannot cry since I have to get up and ready for work real soon… anyway I think it is time I decide what I want and make the right move.

It has been awhile since I have written a post and been so invested in OD and others…writing all this and making me answer my questions has been helpful. I do hope that I am strong enough to act well and in the right directions to all my questions and thoughts.

I told my husband this week how it upsets me seeing couples in the shopping center,  holding hands and buying each other gifts and how in our relationship  that doesn’t happen. I feel like an after thought or just his puppet and house.

Okay I need to get ready for work…but this trail of thought isn’t over since I think it a lot…well basically I feel as if he is okay with pretending to love me and make me believe it just so he can be comfortable as the life he has with me he wouldn’t have if he was on his own and his options are me or being on his own.

 well he has drinking friends who live about 30 min away and they have their own lives and he hasn’t got the ability to go to them since I crashed his car a few months ago and he has yet to get it fixed and he hasn’t got much money.

 unless they want something from him or he reaches out to them he doesn’t really hear from them…(from what I gather)

Okay I am gonna be late if I don’t end this post now… so until later…