My F*#@’ed up weekend…and realisation!

The past few days have been great! My husband and I have been in a good place and he has really been trying. I will never forget how he took realy good care of me on Friday night.

I was suffering really bad period pains, my back was sore, I was having a headache that just wouldn’t go away…it was just a bad night but he ran around for me and kept checking up on me.

But…he is my husband isn’t that what he should be doing if he loves me? It shouldn’t really be something special, yet I thought of it being real special and nice. It isn’t often that I feel bad…I have learnt to push through it all, I guess that is because he will often turn the situation around and go on about how he feels worse. Okay things aren’t that bad, but often through the years I have fealt like I had to shoulder it on and keep things going because if I don’t no one else will.

 Yesterday, like often, I was the enabler. 

Just before I went to work I left him my bank card, so he could go buy his vape.  and while I was at work I got a notification telling he had bought that vape and a few minutes later another one came, telling me that a purchase was made at a liquor store.

. Now he did send me a message telling me that as he walked past, he got that pulling to go in there and so he bought a small bottle of vodka.

After workk I fetched him, so we could do something that we enjoy doing, and that is to go view properties on sale, and of course leave them just full of wishes and dreams of how we can make it possible to purchase the house we saw. I go a little bit further and do online browsing of the furniture I would buy and how I would plan each room…  is one of my fav Apps… I have an app for everything on there…

     

    Okay, I think that is all the albums I have…anyway where was I?

Oh yes, so we went to see a few houses and while driving back home, I decided I felt like  but I was in no mood to cook it. I felt like going out and having a good piece of steak and thought my husband and I could have a nice night out. I mean he had kinda sobered up the time we got home…but he manipulated me into buying him booze.

At first he didn’t want to go out…eventually he agreed to go out and do save on money he asked me to buy him a bottle of vodka to drink before we went out for supper. I caved in and agreed.

It is pay weekend… I only get paid on the 1st of the month…but we still went out like the rest of South Africa, so finding a table was nearly impossible, thankfully we made a reservation earlier in the day…but if only I could have made a reservation for parking.

We are seated and I order a double Vodka and Appletiser and a shot of Caramel Vodka…love that shot!! And ordered a double vodka and redbull.  While we were eating I could tell he was totally wasted…

    

So I left the restaurant feeling rather pissed off. I mean I also had my fair share of alcohol…had another 2 shots of caramel vodka  even got him one too…

I had a terrible night…between getting up to go the bathroom, his snoring  but when he is drunk, it is owe so much worse.

This morning he woke me up because I needed to make him   , like I had promised on Friday, but I have never cooked it before, so got resipe off Google and some cooking from my sister, who makes amazing food!

He was supposed to help me cook…but that didn’t happen!

becasuse he was so busy cooking his  Some kinda Pork Belly…something he knows I will never eat, yet he offered me to taste it. Anyway the kitchen is too small for the both of us and he was using the pots that I was planning on using. So I decided to go to bed and watch some   16:00 hits and his food is cooked so he comes to the bedroom. I figured it would be a good time for me to start cooking the …it does take 3+ hours. While I was cooking I could hear him snoring…and every now and then he would come and check on me and see what I was doing…

20:20 hits, and the  isn’t falling off the bone like it should but the side dishes are complete, even the  (which I don’t eat). So I wake him up and tell him supper is ready. We are eating together at the dining room table and he gets up with his full plate, tells me it is , goes to the kitchen and I assume throws it out.

Goes back to the bedroom…once I am done eating I too go to the bedroom to take my con…

 He reached over and pushed a glass full of what we assume to be vodka and some other clear liquid onto the floor, spill all over wooden floors and breaking the glass…

Just the other day I changed the linen, but since the sheet is now wet I had to change that…and of course I am not keen on sleeping on a bed that half of will wreak of vodka I has to scrub the mattress clean and then use my hair dryer to dry it. While I was doing all this…he did help at first…I mean he took out the bin that I had filled with broken glass…and perched himself of the couch until I told him 

Sometimes I feel like I am a mother to a 40 year old baby…well there is Jack…but he had a valid excuse!! 

Anyway…so after calling my food disguting he went to bed… I joined him when I was done and while I topping my up my daily rotation of meds….

He stretched out his hand and asked me for a sleeping pill. Now being the enabler I have been the past I have given him a tray or 2 of my prescribed sleeping pills…as there are times when I suffer from insomnia and so my Psychiatrist as prescribed me a low dose of sleeping pills…I mean she has me on 3 antidrepressants a day already so I really have to be struggling to sleep in order for me to take a sleeping pill. She prescribed I take two and so when I feel like I need one, I only take 1 unless I am really tired and having serious trouble will I take 2.

Anyway so he has trouble sleeping…so about a week ago, I gave him a tray of sleeping pills and since he has finished them…or maybe he is just drunk he asked me for more while I was topping up my pill box. I said no! Well I have made him believe that I don’t have anymore…but I will not give him anymore, even though I have, as the lsat thing I need is for him to become addicted to them…although…nope I don’t want to have anything to do with him getting addicted to pills…alcohol is bad enough.

Last night I started watching a show on …now the synopsis of it sounded like a movie I wouldn’t enjoy…but Kerry Washington is in it, so of course I have got to give it a shot…and I actually enjoyed it. Watched 3 episodes of it…and I took something away from something she said. She is a therapist so often in the episode she will record herself giving psychological advice or explanation of certain moods or characteristics…and she described something that I could relate to.

 Abandonment issues are a strong fear of losing loved ones, often stemming from insecure attachment styles developed in childhood, and can significantly impact adult relationships. This fear can manifest in various ways, including anxiety, difficulty trusting others, and struggling to form healthy, long-term relationships. 

As a child I was always afraid that my ‘white’ family would no longer want me in their lives, and still to this day, even though I know it isn’t true and I have discussed this with a psychologist and my father…I still feel that if I am not being the best version of myself they will stop loving me. This fear stemmed to my friendships. I would always go along with the flow and I am always making sure everyone around me is happy even if I don’t want to do it…because g-dforbid they were no longer my friend. And so now I am 38, and I don’t have a professsional degree or any idea of what I am doing with my life and I am not the sexiest woman on earth…okay who really is but I don’t think I make the right heads turn when I walk amongst a group of men…and so maybe…well not maybe…but I guess I am holding onto my husband because if he leaves me then I am all alone. My sisters have their own lives and live far away. My friends have their own families and lives and so see them occassionally…I don’t want to move in with my dad and his girlfriend…so I guess I am alone. And I am scared of being alone and not wanted.