Not Fair!!

I know…I sound like a toddler! But I don’t get why I can’t have an easy marriage and life…okay I know that isn’t realistic. But right now I am stuck and I know it is time I make a choice and stick to it.

My sister and Father are saying and implying I let him go. Heck I even say it too sometimes. But I just can’t. I don’t want to be alone and I love him…or at least I think I do, but when my sister asked me yesterday I had no real answer…I suppose I am just comfortable with him besides all the tears and stresses he causes me.

For the last few days I have been telling myself that since he won’t go and I don’t know how to make him or to tell him to go…I should then go…but when I look on Property24 and see the prices to rent something suitable for myself I wanna cry because there is no way I can afford to live on my own with my petty salary. So I could stick it out until I can leave or make him an me work…but either option is at the risk of disappointing my family.

How did I get here?

I suppose it was all the enabling I have been doing. Putting up with his hurtful words, his narcissistic character, his lies and drinking. On Sunday morning I was wrapping a gift so I opened a drawer in the desk looking for sticky tape….and should I find in the drawer a whiskey glass. He was on the computer at the time and in a hard loud voice he told me he knew it was there and was just keeping it there and I should leave it and let him be on his own…so I opened the desk cupboard and found a bottle of vodka and every time I tried to take it out he put it back there and said that is where it belongs and I just leave it. When I asked him why he was hiding everything he said because if he showed it to me I would shout at him and we would argue. I then walked away to continue to get ready to meet friends for lunch.

While we were having lunch with friends he got some advice from them about how to sell his car and get side income. The whole time they were talking he was getting motivated to do just that but I kept thinking he would never follow through and it was all just talk from him now and I couldn’t let myself believe that he would do any of the things they suggested and he would make a change to or financial situation etc.

Since that lunch, he has been all attentive and caring. Last night he made me supper. He has been making time for me and telling me how he should have listened to me when I gave advice before so we wouldn’t have been in the predicament we are in.

As much as I want to believe that, I don’t. But I don’t know what to do. It is all very well to dream of the life that could be if everything went the way I wanted it to but in reality I need to choose and live with the choice and make it work. A big part of me knows that I cannot really make it work with him. And I hate that. And I don’t know what to do. Well…I think I want out but I don’t know how to ask for help and I don’t know how to struggle and hustle.

I just want to cry and turn the clock back

I do love him. Like right now I am excited to spend time with him tonight. But why do I love him…

okay damn this is hard!!!

why do I love him?

1) when things are going well between we really enjoy each other’s company…we make each other laugh and get each other.

2) on good days and when we are in a good space he is very attentive and just supportive.

3) besides his fucked up teeth and small dirty eyes he is good looking…of course he needs to loose his alcohol belly.

okay I guess that is it. I mean at the start I used to love his drive and desire to do something great professionally…but now when he talks about all that and gets excited I think of it as unrealistic and all just talk. Last night I told him that sometimes we need to grow up and let go of our childhood dreams and adapt to where life has taken us and strive towards new dreams.