Even more

I’m a wreck. I am doing it to myself. I know this, but I continue to do it.

Just crying it out doesn’t help anymore and the begging and pleading to my friends and family, falls on deaf ears.

What can they do anyway?

Maybe it’s just a Hallmark world where people, family comes together to support one of their own. Maybe I am hoping for too much.

It didn’t seem as hard three four years ago when I had the better job and better place. Now I struggle week to week and live in a nice jail cell.

Days off are torturous and work seems worse.

The people around me don’t understand. They have someone, something. They don’t spend hours alone. They have someone to talk to, to hug, to sit with, to be next to.

Fuck, I’m so tired. I’m angry, sad, alone. I’m hungry and sick to my stomach. I just want to lash out and fight. I don’t want to live, but don’t want to die. Everything is dread. The news, politics, relationships.

I want to talk to Patty like we used to. I want to feel like everything will work out, but she took all that from me. I don’t know why it seems to have gotten worse with time instead of healed.

I’m trying to let it heal, I am really. But after my “out of nowhere” divorce came a “out of nowhere” lay off and eviction. Then all the silliness at 7 Eleven only to go back for more. Then a huge car repair that ruins plans for Christmas, which I don’t even think there are. No one has invited me or asked me over. I will probably wind up working all day. Only for another Christmas to go by without the love there was before.