I thought I was past these nights

My mind is racing. I’m not suicidal,  but I want to give up. I been taught tricks and things to work to beat my depression and BPD, but none of them are working tonight. Today was rough, no one in my family called or texted about Easter. I wound up calling my oldest to see if they received my gifts. I don’t think my kids truly miss me. I think they feel my absence,  but it just doesn’t matter that I am not there anymore.  

Is it wrong that I feel neglected and let down by everyone. I have a problem.  It wasn’t a drug issue, or drinking, or abuse. It was/is a mental health problem.  My ex destroyed me like I deserved it, but I never gave her a reason to. Yet, now after counseling,  that everyone told me I needed, based on my total breakdown,  I have an answer to why and what is wrong with me and these same people could care less. 

I received Easter greetings from strangers, people I have met here, but nothing from my family and friends, you would have thought cared. If I happen to mention my feelings or needs, right away I get the “need to be strong for the kid’s “, but my kids seem so unaffected. Matter of fact, everyone but me are unaffected.  I’ve been wrote out of existence and wiped from history. Why? 

I swear to all of you who read these words, I’m not asshole. I wasn’t an alcoholic or hooked on drugs nor did I ever lift a finger towards her. I gave her total trust, never a jealous moment. I treated her the same the last day as the first. I was a great father and a loving friend and brother. I lost more than just her that afternoon. I lost everyone. 

One year, 3 months, and days ago. The pain is still fresh, the nights still suck, and this “gets better” has yet to happen..