Thursday night

I’ll try to not turn this into the regular poor me post. I just have to write, I guess if I actually had someone to sit down with I wouldn’t be writing.

So I’m once again having the urge to write Patty. It won’t make a difference and it won’t change anything. It’s been me all along thinking things are different or not what it seems. Yeah, it hurts that she did what she did and how she did. But, she did it. Most of my issues come down to me not feeling like anyone cares. She doesn’t have to love me, no one has to, but I don’t understand hers and others attitudes towards me.

It makes me laugh when i think back then when I was spiraling into a dark, dark place I was told people don’t know what to say, so they day and do nothing. Four years later, I should be over it and not mention it.

I have flashes of a new life. I have allowed the thoughts to come to me about it all. I see a man I want to be going forward. Yet, I am weighed down by all of the shit that’s come to pass.

How do you take it day by day when you have no real support in actual life? I have tried to get help (social services), they have all refused because I make too much in unemployment.

How do you move on (financially) when ots all stacked against you from the start? Yes, I was stupid for giving her everything. I did so because I thought she may have remembered I never did anything wrong and things weren’t as bad as she thought. I thought she cared enough, even with the lost love, that she didn’t want me to suffer as I have.

She doesn’t. If she does, then she refuses to allow it.

People here know me and they know I am not a horrible man. They know I made her and the boys my world. It still hurts that not one person stood up for me. Not one person held her accountable, instead they took the fact that I lost my mind about it as I deserved it all.

Whatever. It’s done. My actions or lack of them has proven everyone correct. They don’t want to see or understand what I have been through or how life seems to toss me endless amounts of curve balls. I hear shit from people, who have had jobs for 20+ years, that it’s must be my fault, I lost my job. I did something to lose my lease.

When it happens to them it’s a cruel horrible happening. They all lift each other up when it gets tough.

When it’s been me, it’s all just an attention asking narcissistic made up bull shit thing.