Waiting

I’m still waiting to hear about the studio apartment I looked at back in Silver Creek. It’s becoming a bit unbearable for me. My anxiety is back to levels I thought I was over. I should pack things or throw stuff out. I can’t touch any savings until I hear something so I can’t get a storage place yet. Most of my stuff is probably going to get donated. There’s no way it will fit in this place. I have to get rid of my bed, it’s way to big. I broke my rule about accumulating things and it’s going to be a bitch moving it all by myself.

Somewhere in me there is a voice telling me to get up and go do something, anything, but it’s lost in the hopeless dread I’m feeling right now. All those people who called me a loser and Patty leaving me because of financial difficulties are being proven right. I am an unemployed, no savings, broke and soon to be homeless nothing, just like they all said and thought of me. I tried, I really tried. I never asked or begged for help or money from anyone. I sacrificed to keep the lights on and car running. I did my job well and never complained to them, maybe here, but not there. I been a quiet renter, even when I was literally stuck in my place for days. I clean, I organize, I attempt to care for myself alone. But here I am in what is starting to feel like a no win situation.