You’re a faded moon *Edit*

Oh yay! Another survey. Oh, Chrisssss….

Did you have a sandbox growing up?: I did! If I remember correctly, it was a big plastic green turtle. The cover was the top of the turtle ‘shell’. I played in that thing for HOURS as a kid.

If you were a surfer, how many surfboards would you probably own?: My problem is that I throw myself head over heels into things, so I’d probably have numerous boards!

How is the current situation between you and your mother?: Umm…it’s fine, as far as I know.

Who in your family checks the mail more often?: Probably the parents.

Do you have a sibling? If so, what kind of personality does he have?: I do. I have a brother who’s 3.5 years younger. He is…my father’s mini-me, so there have really only been a handful of years that we’ve ever gotten along. He’s extremely bullheaded and he has a habit of rolling his eyes and huffing every time he’s asked to do something he doesn’t wanna do, which makes it difficult to talk to him. Although I’ve heard that he feels the same way about me. So…skewed perspective, I guess.

What was the reason for when you last used a wrench?: That was back in July up in Vermont. We have huge carriage bolts through wood panels that go over the windows to help protect the place from vandals and I had to use a wrench to tighten those from the inside when we closed up to come home.

Are you studying astronomy? If so, what makes it interesting?: No, I’ve never studied astronomy and I really have no desire to. Space is interesting, but it’s nothing I’d wanna spend my time on.

Do you think there are moral patterns in wealthy families?: I’m not sure I even understand this question. Why is it only directed at ‘wealthy families’. I think there are moral patterns in every family everywhere.

How low was your last mathematics test mark?: Ha…failed the course. Senior year of high school, 12 years ago.

What do you think of the name Viola?: Well, I was in orchestra for 3 years, so of course it makes me think of that class. Also, I knew a girl named Viola in high school and she was foreign and sweet. So I have no qualms with the name, although I’d never use it for any reason, myself.

Would you skin an otter for five million dollars? Why or why not?: I also have no qualms about this, as I grew up in a family of hunters. I’d skin an otter for nothing, but don’t let that slip to whoever is paying me the five million because I can certainly use that.

Do you know the periodic symbol for Tin?: Should I? My last chem class was back in 8th grade.

If you eat them, what do you usually like on a croissant?: I’m so dull. I’m not at all a food junkie, so I tend to eat those plain if I eat them at all. I’m not much of a bread fan, although I like baking it.

If you were forced to be a teacher, which subject would you teach?: Music, English, art or any kind of psychology class.

Do you drink wine? If so, what brand or flavor do you enjoy the most?: Nah, I don’t drink wine. I’ve tried and I’ve yet to find a wine I like. However, I recently discovered Seagram’s “Escapes” brand beer and I’m pretty much in love with those.

What do you think of locusts?: I ‘nothing’ them. I don’t think about them at all.

Have you ever been to Syracuse, New York?: I’ve been through there but I’ve never stayed there. What a boring question.

What’s something that’s very important to you? (not a person): Honesty.

What do you seem to be addicted to at the moment?: Music! I’m obsessive about it lately. And I’m shoving it on everyone who will listen.

What would you say your mood has been like today?: Umm…a mixture of ‘not so bad’ and ‘comfortably numb’ with a bit of ‘fake it if you have to, anything to win the war’ thrown in for good measure.

What made you feel that way?: Well…I’m still kind of climbing my way up out of whole ‘pit of despair’ depression that I was in for the last few months, so I’m ‘not so bad’ in comparison. I’ve hit a plateau where I’m not great, but I’m not considering playing in traffic, so I’m ‘comfortably numb’. But that also means I have to generally fake being more animated than I feel when I’m around others. So there we have it! Not bad, not good, just even keel.

Are you currently missing someone?: Yes. I haven’t talked to Treve in a few days and I’m randomly missing him, although I really don’t have anything new to talk to him about. And I kinda wish Alec would get in touch.

What would you like to say to them?: I’m not sure. Anything that came up in conversation!

What is the time where you are?: 11:12pm.

Do you still live in the same town you were born in?: Same country, same state, same town, same house, same bedroom.

If any, how many siblings do you have?: Just the one.

What about cousins?: It’s pretty insane. On my mother’s side, I’ve got 22, including second cousins. On my father’s side…I have no idea. There are second, third, forth and fifth cousins, some of whom I’ve never met before. But to make it easier, I have two first cousins that I grew up with.

Would you rather live in the city or country?: Country, hands down. The city is too chaotic for me.

Are you a shopaholic?: I can take it or leave it. I have times when I like spending and times when I have nothing I want or need. But I do feel like I ‘have’ to spend money when I go out somewhere, so I don’t window shop well.

Alcoholic?: No, never. I had a bit of trouble with vodka for several months back when I turned 21 and that was enough.

Can you whistle?: Yep! I do it all the time to get the dog’s attention, but I can’t whistle a tune or anything.

Snap your fingers?: Yep! I do that a lot.

Do you look more like your mom or dad?: I’ve NEVER been told that I look like either parent. I didn’t seem to get any features from either. But my brother and I look similar.

What’s something that can always make you sad?: There’s a couple of certain songs that just rip my heart apart lately. I also don’t like when my friends are upset and I can’t be there to hug them.

What’s something that can always make you smile/laugh?: Oh, that’s really easy to do. I don’t take myself very seriously at all and I laugh at stuff all the time. πŸ™‚

Are you a light or heavy sleeper?: This is a trick question. I call foul! When I’m ABLE to sleep, I sleep really deeply, but not for long. So I can easily be dead to the world for, say, half an hour, then wake up and be awake for another 30 minutes. Then I’ll doze off and nothing can wake me, then I’ll toss and turn for another hour, etc. So I don’t sleep well by any means, but when I do, I’m generally a really heavy sleeper.

Do you have to have a light or the tv on to sleep?: No, I actually can’t sleep with the tv or a light on unless I’ve taken sleep meds or I’ve been awake for so many days that I more or less pass out watching a movie or something.

What’s your favorite scary movie?: Well, ok, here’s the thing. Movies aren’t ‘scary’ to me anymore. I’ve seen too many of them. But I love “The Birds”, “Misery” and “The Amityville Horror”. I just don’t find them scary. Oh, and “Orphan” was good too.

What’s your favorite comedy movie?: I’m not sure! I can’t rememberthe last comedy I saw. I’ve been watching a lot of darker stuff lately and comedies, while semi-amusing, generally don’t hold my attention because they’ve just turned into stupid slap-stick stuff that may have been funny back in the 50’s when “I Love Lucy” was a new approach to comedy, but it’s not terribly intelligent humour now, so it bores me. If I find a good one, though, I’ll let you know.

Who do you find yourself listening to the most? (music wise): Lately I’ve been listening to Marianas Trench, Matt Webb, All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, Jellyfish, Hedley and Fake Shark Real Zombie on a rotating repeating loop. Seriously. I have burned cds in the truck, in my bedroom and all the songs on my iPod. It’s insane. You’d think I’d be sick of it all by now, but…nope! Obsession, ’tis a powerful thing.

Are you happy with the direction your life is going?: Not at all, thanks! But I’ll figure it out someday.

Who is someone that has influenced you for the better?: Man, everyone I know has influenced my life for the better in some way, shape or form. Even the people I care nothing about these days or the people who treated me horribly at some point have all taught me something. They’ve all made me a better person.

What do you find yourself doing most weekends?: “The same thing we do every night, Pinky!”

Do you not like answering political questions?: I don’t follow politics AT ALL, but with a handful of VERY close people, I’m willing to discuss what I do know. It’s not much and I have no real basis for backing anything up, but if I trust you and I know you won’t corner me or berate me, we can discuss anything.

Do you like to keep things private or are you more open?: It truly depends. I used to think I was extremely open with my friends. And that’s actually absolutely still true. But I’ve learned that I don’t always give out information. I’m not as much of an open book as I thought. It seems that most people have to ask the right questions to get the answers they want because I just don’t talk about myself TOO often or TOO in depth. It seems like it’s gotta be the right situation and the right conversation for that. Otherwise I’m more apt to talk about YOU, which is perfectly fine by me because I enjoy letting others do the talking. I’m just not much of a talker, period.

Is there someone you really don’t like?: There are quite a few people I really don’t like, but as a whole, I ‘nothing’ them. I just don’t care. I don’t waste my time or energy disliking or hating people as a whole. I can get worked up by talking about people I don’t care anything about, but it usually turns into a funny conversation that isn’t nearly as draining as it could be.

Why’s that?: Usually if there’s someone I don’t like, it’s because they’ve proven themselves to be any of the following: dishonest, disloyal, untrustworthy, intolerant, a ‘soul sucker’, draining, too negative in all the wrong ways, have a long standing grudge against me for reasons they’ve never said or because they’re any form of racist/bigot/sexist/etc. Basically anyone who grinds the gears of my moral compass.

What is one thing you wish was different about you?: I wish I had more motivation instead of being so laid back about the world. I lack ambition.

What’s one thing that you absolutely love about yourself?: That question is a double-edged sword because I also LOVE that I’m so laid back. It’s served me well in the world because people trust me with things that they wouldn’t trust anyone else with. It means I’m as non-judgmental as a human can possibly be in most situations. It means I’m logical and rational and calculated without getting frantic and panicky. I can appreciate that about myself.

Do you attend a gym or work out regularly?: I used to go to a gym 3 times a week, but now I work out daily at home because it’s way cheaper.

Do you like where you work?: No job, no place of work. So…no.

Or do you have bitchy co-workers/asshole boss?: My previous job had all of the above. Doesn’t every job??

Where do you wish to be in life in 10 years?: I’m not sure, but in my ideal world, I’d be married with kids and pets and living out in the middle of nowhere in a fantastic house with a great view and an amazing job that I love. Wishful thinking? Perhaps, but miracles do happen!

What is your goal for the rest of the year?: I really want to continue exploring my more ‘weird’ side and putting myself out there as someone who just doesn’t care what the world thinks. I’ve always been that way, but I’ve never portrayed myself as such. Now I have the opportunity to do so and I love the freedom. Here’s to another month and a half of that until the rest of the year!

Who do you wish you would never see again? Why?: I truly don’t care if I ever see my father’s mother again. I’ve cut her out of my life because she’s one of those people who just flaunts everything I’m against. She makes fun of/doesn’t like anyone who isn’t a straight white American and the people in my life that I care about SO much don’t always fit into that category and I absolutely can’t stand the thought of being around someone who continually tears down the people I love. So, I decided years ago that I was done with her after I came home from driving her around and I was so livid that I was shaking and stuttering for two hours. I can’t keep putting myself through that and I don’t need her in my life for those reasons alone. As you can see, I have no qualms about cutting family out of my life if they rub me the wrong way. But even with that said, it takes a LOT to get me to cut ANYONE out of my life, blood relation, friend or acquaintance.

Who have you hurt the most so far in your life? What did you do to them?: I would absolutely have to say that without a doubt, it was my father who hurt me the most in my life. I did nothing except…well…get born and form my own opinions.

When was the last time you received flowers? What were they for?: I actually received a fantastically sweet secret admirer bouquet back on June 2nd of this year. I still haven’t figured out who sent them!

What’s the greatest personal challenge you faced? How did it change you?: Oh man, this is tough. I feel like there are quite a few personal challenges that I’ve faced over the years. I wouldn’t say one is any greater than the next, though. But I suppose the most significant was the year I was 16 and decided I was through with life because of how I was being treated at home. I was more than ready to end everything. If it wasn’t for deciding against that, I couldn’t have gone on to face other challenges, help friends and change the world in my own little way. So I guess I’d probably have to list that as the greatest one, if I had to choose.

What was the first movie you can remember seeing at the cinema?: I have a vague recollection of seeing a Disney movie, and I think it was “The Little Mermaid”, but I can’t remember.

Have you ever been physically or mentally abused? How did it affect you?: Again, my father both mentally and emotionally abused me for a LONG, LONG time. I think I was about twenty years old or so when I finally just stopped trying to interact with him at all. Until then, I used to be incredibly flinch-y and tense if people touched me or made any sudden moves in my lineof sight. My father never hit me, but he’d back me up against a wall and scream at me with his finger in my face, so I was always waiting to be hit. So that was a lovely little physical tic I developed. I do think I have a touch of PTSD because of all of that because any time I had to talk to him about something that was wrong, it would send me into full blown heart-pounding-spots-before-my-eyes-light-headed-trouble-breathing panic attacks. These days, even though he’s mellowed out quite a lot, I would still rather deal with ANYONE than ask him for help if there’s something wrong only because he used to over-react so much and it was always ‘my fault’, no matter what the situation, even if it was nothing I could control. I still get slightly dizzy and my heart pounds a bit harder if I need his help because something is wrong with, say, my truck, for example. And then there was the whole “I wanna kill myself because he made me believe I deserved to be treated horribly” thing. That’s not really something you get over very quickly. I also believe a lot of the depression issues I have stem from that as well. So, I wouldn’t say I’m any more screwed up than the next person, but I do have my issues to deal with. I’m working on it.

Do you consider yourself a vengeful person? If so, why’d you think that is?: Not at all. One thing I’ve learned for certain in life (among several) is that people will always hang themselves. So if I’m wronged, all I have to do is sit back and wait. Truthfully, that’s half the fun. I don’t have to feel guilty when something happens to someone that’s treated me badly because it’s life screwing them over, not me. So I get to laugh along with the universe.

Have you ever been in a physical fight? What started it?: My brother and I used to fight a bit now and then, but I can’t remember it ever really turning physical to any major degree. I always got along fairly well with people, so there was never a need for physical fighting. Besides that, I was always much better at verbal sparring. Those are fights I’ve gotten into on more than one occasion.

What makes you mad beyond anything else? What is your reaction to it?: Aside from everything I mentioned in the questions that asked if there’s a person I don’t really like and why that is, I’d also have to say that it really annoys me when people assume things and when people try to read more into what I’m saying than I actually mean. I’m a very direct, very honest, very blunt person. People assume because I’m female that I have some hidden agenda or game. No. I was truly raised around mostly guys and so many of my friends growing up were male, so I learned to think and speak like that. I say exactly what I mean, and I mean every word of it. I don’t have the time or the patience to play games. So it does make me (probably unnecessarily) irritated when people accuse me of saying one thing and meaning another. Usually those are people who don’t know me terribly well, so I can excuse that once or twice but generally I have to set people straight eventually.

What one quality do you have that you are proud of?: I’m adaptable. I don’t get thrown easily in any situation. I think this ties in with being laid back, though. But it really means that I make and keep friends easily. It means that I can be thrown into anything and I do my best to at least tread water, even if I can’t turn it into something positive.

What one quality do you have that you are ashamed of?: I have a horribly lazy side, without a doubt.

What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?: Oh, probably the time my current long-distance boyfriend flew out for a week when my family was gone and the two of us hung out here together alone after meeting face to face for the first time ever. My brother was around for one extra day, so the two of them were in the house at the same time and my brother caught a glimpse of Boyfriend. Luckily he and my best friend at the time looked a bit similar, so when my brother asked who it was, I passed him off as her and all was good. No one was ever the wiser and he flew home the day my family came back from their respective vacations. I would make a better liar than I do a truth-teller, quite honestly. But I use my powers for good.

When have you felt the most proud of yourself? For what reason?: I would have to say that I feel really proud of myself any time someone tells me that they’re trusting me with something they wouldn’t trust anyone else with. That’s pretty amazing, wouldn’t you say?

Have you ever stolen something? What was it and why did you steal it?: When I was about 2 years old, I would spend the occasional afternoon at my grandmother’s apartment. She had this old tin coffee can full of small little vintage toys that looked like they came out of Cracker Jack boxes or something. They were little figurines. She’d break them out and I would spend HOURS lying on her living room rug playing with them. There was one I loved and wanted to take home with me SO much, but she said no, because, obviously I’d lose it at that age and then it wouldn’t be there for me to play with the next time. So I stole it. She found out and told my parents. I had to give it back, of course, and my father told me that if I ever did it again, he’d call the cops on me and have me sent to jail, even at that age. Lesson learned.

What lessons have you learnt the hard way?: Pretty much every single thing in life! I feel like you can’t be good at life without learning lessons the hard way.

Which of your personal beliefs would you never compromise?: As cliche as this may be, I can’t walk away from someone that I feel needs me. I can’t look myself in the eyes knowing that I walked away without doing everything I could for them, whether that someone is a kid, a pet or a person I barely know. If my gut instinct is to reach out to someone, I listen. I just can’t live with myself otherwise. I don’t see that changing.

Have you ever spied on someone? For what reason and what did you find?: Only random Facebook stalking. I can’t say I ever found out anything horrible or anything that I didn’t already know.

Have you ever been arrested?: Nope. I’m a good kid.

Have you ever experimented with drugs? Which type and what happened?: Nah. That was never my scene.

What is one mistake you’ve made that nobody will let you forget?: Nothing comes to mind at the moment. I either have extremely understanding people in my life or I’ve just never done anything that awful/weird/memorable.

How about the one mistake that you wont let someone else forget?: I feel like I bring up peoples’ pasts now and again, but it’s never to rub it in their faces. It’s only to praise them for how far they’ve come since then. But I can see why that would be a reminder of a mistake they might want to forget.

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve done whilst drunk?: The very first time I drank was at a coworker’s wedding. She kept getting me Screwdrivers. I was stupid enough not to realize how tipsy I was actually getting and I drove home. I fell out of the truck when I got home and I tripped up two sets of stairs and fell through the door. Stupid and dangerous, but again…lesson learned.

What has been the scariest experience you’ve been through?: Probably the whole “I killed a dude” thing. That wasn’t exactly the moststable time in my life, but I handled it like a champ.

How often do you cry? What kind of things make you cry?: I cry VERY rarely. It’s another side affect of growing up with my father. I was never allowed to be upset in front of him or he’d tell me to “get out of his fucking face or he’d give [me] something to cry about.” So I bite my tongue constantly. If I do cry, it’s once or twice a year at best, and it’s generally only out of severe frustration because there are so many things I’d love to say sometimes, but can’t, and nothing ever gets resolved because of it. So I know it’s just going to continue in a huge loop and I don’t wanna deal with that. Whether that makes me a closed off individual or someone who takes things as they come, I don’t know. Probably a little bit of both.

Have you ever been hospitalized? What for?: Never. Not once.

Do you have a tattoo? If not where would you get it and what of?: I have no tattoos, but I want an insane amount. I want to litter my body with words. My first three are already planned out. I want two song lyrics from the same band. The first song is called “Masterpiece Theatre 1” and the lyric is “Entirely guilty by design”. The second song is called “Masterpiece Theatre 3” and the lyric is, “All my indecision/all of my excess/don’t you ever tell me/I’m not loving you best.” My idea for those is fairly complicated. The “Entirely guilty…” one will go on the inside of my left wrist and the other will go on the inside of my right wrist. At face value, the “Entirely guilty…” one sounds a bit negative and the other sounds a bit more positive out of context. So at face value, I’ll explain it as opposites. Sort of an “devil on the left, angel on the right” sort of thing. But to dig a little deeper, the “Entirely guilty…” one for me means way more. Every single thing I say and do is completely calculated. I’m logical, practical, level-headed and not at all spontaneous. I think quickly on my feet, but I’m able to think many, many steps ahead to make things easier on my future self. So every single thing I do is “entirely guilty by design”, not accidental. The “All my indecision…” one seems a bit self-explanatory. No matter what’s going on in my life, I give my best, everything I have, everything I am, to the people who mean the most to me. Even if I’m having bad days or I neglect to tell someone how much they mean to me for too long, I don’t ever want anyone to say or think that I’m not loving them as best as I can in any given situation. By trying to kill two birds with one stone, I’ll be turning the lower case “d”s into black music notes in both quotes. Simple, but classy.

And finally, the third is completely unrelated. I’ve started the ball rolling on this one because it’s the one I’m most excited about. What I want to do is to get the people I care about most in the world to give me their favourite word. The word doesn’t have to describe me or anything. I would like it to be something that’s unique and special to them, or something that might mean something to both of us (but the latter isn’t a requirement). I’ve recruited both Tobey and Spooky to collaborate for me and to take those words and turn them into a sentence or lyrics or a poem. I’m gonna give them free rein there because those two people are the two poets and writers that I’m continually impressed, amazed and inspired by. I’ve never been much of a poetry fan as a whole (although I realize that’s what song lyrics are, essentially), but those two have this brilliant way of stringing completely unrelated words into a thought that’s just…I can’t explain it. It just leaves me breathless most times. So if anyone can do this for me, it would be those two! And I’m just lucky enough that they agreed to do it. πŸ™‚ Plus, having the two of them create the string of words for me makes it that much more special than doing it myself. It gives me a better story behind it, which I love. πŸ™‚ So once that’s all figured out, I’ll have that tattooed on me somewhere and, should anyone ever ask, I’ll be able to point to each word and say, “XYZ was given to me by Friend A,” etc. And it’ll be awesome! Or I just may make up a new, completely ridiculous and unbelievable story every time someone asks, so they know I’m not telling the truth but they aren’t sure if they should laugh or ask for the real story. πŸ™‚ We’ll see what happens!

~~~~~
**Edit**

‘Tis that time of year again! Time to start asking who would like Christmas cards. It doesn’t matter to me if we’ve never exchanged written words before. If you would like one, speak up! Leave me a private note with your address and I’ll send you one. πŸ™‚ Believe me, it’s not weird, so don’t be shy. I know some of you would be.

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November 26, 2013

thats a long survey. cards and the silly season here again. It does not take long does it and we all go through the processes. Do I sound cynical. xx