3995

I am sooo proud of myself!

I woke up and made coffee and surveyed my apartment. The DVD remote is still in several pieces and will never work again.

I don’t have a particularly nasty headache right now, thank golly, but I did in the night and had to get up and take some aspirin; surprisingly, they didn’t hurt my empty stomach.

I don’t usually drink that brand of bourbon (Evan Williams Black) but my regular (Heaven Hill 6yr old 90 proof Green label) stuff doesn’t come in pints, and I didn’t want to buy a fifth.

Granted, it did take me 10 or 12 hours to drink 3/4s of that pint (yesss, there is some left) but, in an ideal world, having crashed my car because I was drinking cheap bourbon, I would never touch the stuff again. I was never tempted to like, drive or anything, tg. So it’s possible I DID learn something in the wreck.

I am not the brightest coin in the fountain, but maybe I’m not the dullest either.

Thank god I wasn’t totally sloshed when K* called last night – not a good way to impress anyone.

Feeling sorry for myself isn’t much of a way to impress either.

This is still entry number 3,995, although I did got through the diary last night and privatized some stuff. It’s still "there", for me, anyways.

("Passive-Aggressive". I think that describes an entry or two last night.. Here’s my request: Site meter tells me that people DO at least click on my entries, so even if you have nothing to say, please leave a name, an "empty note" (if you are an OD member)

A grey day today, and it won’t get too close to 80 degrees today – not even 30 degrees C, but I have wanted to and have not gone to the Gorge for well over a month now. I think (before a shower and breakfast, ugh) that I will drive out there today. I’d rather not go alone, but if no one else is available, I go anyway.

Gotta take some new pictures.

It is just, oh, I don’t know, just wonderful that my ex-wife thinks of me, even 5,500 miles away, and has given me far more help than anyone else, even though we are "divorced". There are quotes around that for a reason. I guess we got married when it was convenient and useful for the Navy, and we got divorced because we weren’t living together and… a few more reasons that seemed good at the time but may have tarnished since; thank God I didn’t throw that against a wall and destroy it like I did to the remote last night.

I very rarely say or write "ex-wife". Here "ex" is often a four letter word, and mine is not.

31 years now; I met her at about this time in 1981. Thank all heavens for not blowing that up.

At a point last night, I was feeling much the same as I did cursing out my employer at the newspaper, the real, big, thrill of destruction, the exhilaration of saying just what the fuck I am thinking right then, instead of "moderating" it inside and choking it off.

Extreme emotional responses come from the brain injury, and I’m not just talking about a little "fuck you asshole" either. I burned that newspaper bridge down to the water with gusto and that feeling of exhilaration of absolute destruction. It WAS thrilling, for about 30 seconds – wonderfully, gloriously, fatally exhilarating, and then I listened to myself (who kept going on) and felt a real "oh shit" thing at the same time as the bridge burned right down to the water. It was wonderful to say what I really think. And then of course, I have to live with it.

I am grateful it was just the remote I destroyed. The DVD player is unhurt (although I have one on the computer too, and it wouldn’t have been a TOTAL disaster, it would have been worse than it is now).

Some TV shows make me cry. "Bones" always does. A different kind of extreme emotional response.

I dunno what I’m bitching about – site meter stats tell me my diary gets over a thousand hits a month.  LOT’S of lurkers, I guess, but, well, someone’s lookin’, eh?

Anyway, I need some "peace". I’ll drive out to the gorge in a while.

5 more to 4,000.

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