an aside

So, when we got married the first time, in front of a Justice of The Peace in Rhode Island. we didn’t "replace" her family name with mine, no, we hyphenated both of them. It was 1984, and such things were becoming popular – women’s lib and all that. I think it was seen as male dominance to "make" the woman take the man’s name in marriage (and it was still early in that sort of thing – we didn’t talk about me taking HER family name, although I guess some do that these days too.

Anyway, we hyphenated our names. The second time we got married was for our friends, who had missed the official ceremony downtown (it was totally unplanned – I got the license, they waived the waiting period because I was a sailor on leave, and we went the JP’s office to see if we could schedule the marriage and they said "Oh, we can do it now, if you want!" and so we got married spontaneously).

We went to Japan and got married a third time for her family and their friends – even though by that time we had been married 9 months or so, and for purposes of the Japanese Government, we stayed hyphenated, name-wise. We lived in Japan for a couple of years and then came back to the US, moving to Oregon to go to school – for me to get a Bachelors Degree and for her to get a Masters Degree. Back here, we just used my last name for "official" purposes – the Drivers License she got here, school records, that sort of thing.

She moved back to Japan and I followed about half a year later (yeah, we separated but I realized it was a mistake not to go with her and asked if I could come there, intending to "work on" the marriage and try to "save" it). We still remained separated, more or less – I moved into an apartment that her parents owned and she lived in her parent’s house, when she was in town – she worked a couple days a week in another city and had a place there too (we’ll just skip who she was living with there, ok?).

ANYWAY, I was living in Japan more or less on my own. I had a full time job in a warehouse and some Private lessons, teaching English, but I was living alone, and watching rental videos (NOT those kind, yo, no, regular Hollywood movies from the store down the street) and drinking bourbon by myself was… less than fulfilling. In January of 95, a big earthquake struck the city I was living in and caused wide-spread damage, and ya know how they say "disaster brings people together"? Well, I would have loved it if it had bought US back together, but no, my wife and her friend became closer and she and I got farther apart.

I toughed it out for awhile, but then I gave up – I couldn’t compete and would never be able to. The other guy was an American, yeah, but he had lived in Japan most of his life and spoke way better Japanese than I ever would. I was very sure that getting violent "you stole my woman!" would be like, counter-productive, so I told her that I thought we should get divorced, it obviously wasn’t working out.

Now, of course a part of that (how small is something I haven’t yet acknowledged one way or the other) was motivated by a thought that maybe she would say "no!" and we could work on working things out, but she said "ok", and so we got divorced in Japan, where, since we had no property and no kids, it was ridiculously easy – no lawyers, sign here, make your mark, have the witnesses do the same, and "ding dong, you’re divorced".

She was (and still is) teaching English in Colleges and Universities in Japan, and she asked me, before I left Japan nine months later (yeah, I stayed for a while – maybe things would work out, even after they hadn’t) if she could keep my name – it gave her more of an edge, as an English teacher.

I tell you, I was sort of pleased by that. Really. It meant, for one thing, that I would never really be far away from her, that she’d hear my name constantly, and would like, never forget me. I would be part of her identity forever.

It was part of my loooong term strategy, you see, my long term plan to make it work out, someday. Hopefully, in like, THIS lifetime, but someday, things would work out in MY favor.

It could happen; it will happen. I’m pretty sure things will work out. As evidence I present this: she has come to Oregon to see me nearly every summer since I left Japan in 1996 – she came that year, and only in 2008 did she not come – her dad had cancer and was dying that year, and she did not come this year, because I had a new job and she wanted me to work as much as I could, but she is planning on coming in March, for my 50th birthday.

She is still K* MyName here (you get that I’m like, using another name for her, for privacy reasons)

Long term planning.

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Just an aside.

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