How dark is it?/ plus

 It’s Darkest before the dawn, they say, and it’s pretty damn dark right now.  I have to go to a bus lines co. who replied to my resume submission Friday,  with an invitation to go and put in an application with them at their office (they got my resume off jobdango) tomorrow morning, and I have to hope that it leads to a job like, immeadiately.  Yesterday.

I just researched the costs of car insurance – my next payment is due and I wanted to see if I could cut that cost, because that payment, due in two days,  will eat up almost all the money I have left.  It turns out though, that I already pay the lowest cost I can, with Progressive (Thanks, Flo!) so no changes are possible to pay less than I do – unless I get rid of the car, which I will have to do by the end of the month, since I don’t have that payment either.  I have to go to traffic court Tuesday morning, but since I have $40 left, I will be in real trouble there.

K* lost almost 40% of her contract work – Japan is in worse shape that we are here in the US, and she has helped me as much as she can.  I sent her an email anyway, in deperation, but I don’t think she can help me and I think I’m such a loser that I don’t think I deserve help anyway.  The only real thing keeping me from saying "fuck it" and not being here anymore is that I have to care for my cat – without me, they would likely just gas him.  I bought, last week, out of my small amount of money, the insulin he needs to live, and I have a new box of syringes, 50 days worth, to keep him alive, but I don’t have enough to pay the phone bill, nor enough to change carriers, or enough to pay the Comcast bill (which is not behind yet, nor is the phone).  My Food Stamps, the SNAP card, just renewed last night, so I have food money.  I live in Public Housing, and no income means no rent (which is why I quit the medical transpo job – I was going to have to tell housing and it didn’t pay enough to pay rent, phone, net, the car, and other such stuff).   I couldn’t afford such a job, no matter how worthy or essential or needed the job is.  It didn’t pay enough.  It was quickly fucking up my car, and I came to have real doubts about it.

I have to hope, pray, wail and moan that the bus company who I will see Monday morning will hire me – that minimum of $12 an hour over five days a week will bouy me up and keep me from drowning, but at this point, I have little hope that I won’t drown, and the dog paddling is getting hard to do.  I feel like I’m fucked, that I have fucked myself, that the dawn won’t break.

I feel like the loser I probably am.

PLUS

I am feeling pretty damn bad, so, well, check this out:

I went online earlier and tried to find a lower cost insurance for my car, and found that Progressive, whom I’ve dealt with for many years, has the best rate for me, the lowest cost.  That’s a real "Yay!" thing right there, but going online, I didn’t get to talk to anyone and I really wanted to tell my company, "Thank you".

I just got off the phone with Christina at Progressive, and told her that I wanted to tell Flo that I am grateful for their rate and happy to find that I was indeed paying the lowest cost for my car’s insurance.  I’ve never done phone work before, but how often do those people get calls like the one I just made?  A happy customer, who says nice things?

As you might know, Progressive’s "face" on TV is a woman who looks like she’s out of the 1950’s named Flo.  I told Christina that although she wasn’t Flo, that I wanted to say "Thanks, Flo!", and she’s going to send me an autographed picture of Flo!

The worse I feel, the less I want to spread it out.  I’m mean and kind of an asshole sometimes, I’ve been told, but today I spread a little of the opposite, just because it makes me feel that tiny bit better.  It works for me – I DO feel better, and I’d like you to try it sometime – maybe if we all did that more often, it would seem like a better life for everyone.

Give it  try – it might make you feel a little better too.

*****