Medications

I wish I had begun these meds in 1999, when I moved out of the Adult Foster Home I had stayed in for nine months after the 59 days in the hospitals. It would have made, I think, all the difference in the world to me and for me.

I had good insurance when I crashed my car; not on the car itself (lost my license for that and for being drunk) but through the job I had at that time, before the wreck. The job only paid minimum wage, but they kept telling us that the insurance made up for the low pay; that sounded like Grade A bullshit to me before the wreck and the damages done to me, but I came to appreciate it, not then; I was too fucked up to know the difference, but later, looking back, it did turn out to be very valuable.

Except for this: The insurance stopped paying for anything 6 months after the car wreck and years before I sort of recovered from the brain injuries. Had I been taking them and had the meds been provided, it would have made a difference. It would not have helped repair the damage, that’s permanent, but it would have helped my attitude and my perspective.

Now I am on psyche medicines, and it helps; I am not nearly as depressed as I was, thankfully, but there is a real reason this is first on my front page’s list of quotes:

"It is not necessary to hope in order to persevere"
Dutch proverb

I’ve come to believe that the Social Security Disability will never come through for me, that SSD is a LIE and that my life will get even more fucked over than it is now, that I’ll lose everything I’ve gained in the last 15 years –

the wreck was on April 23, 1998, almost 15 years to the day –

but the meds help me to contemplate the ruins of my life with detachment and a lack of real feelings.

I suppose that’s something to be thankful for.

****