ONWARDS

Well.

I drove up to work and parked my car and smoked a cigarette (I do not smoke in my car. Ever). I stood there thinking about what I had written in my last entry (and please know I don’t usually write ALL I’m thinking, so I had a lot to think about). I got an official DMV accident report in the office, to fill out and hand in later, and I saw the boss.

I said "do you have a minute?" and we talked.

To summarize, while I didn’t get all Defensive, I did play a kind of Forward Defense. I didn’t get fired, exactly, and I didn’t quit, exactly, but I am no longer a bus driver for the company. He told me they were thinking of what to do, and it sounds like Monday would have been the day I lost the job – "too many incidents", so, in effect, I made it easy for everyone, myself included. I have learned in this life that getting fired can be unpleasant for the "firer" and the "firee" too, and while I am not all that good a person, sometimes, I am good enough to not act on my more outlandish thoughts and to make it easy for people around me. I believe I’ll have to answer for my actions someday, and I want to play Forward Defense for that reason too.

I’m a "Nice Guy". Yeah, that’s not all that good, sometimes, but I have to live with myself and I tend to be obsessive, and I didn’t want to go over the occasion and think "I should have said/I shouldn’t have said" this or that. OD has been a great use to me, sometimes, to put my thoughts in order – most of this diary is as public as it gets, and I don’t want to look or be bad. "Nice Guys" tend to get run over and to get taken advantage of, but once again, I have to live with myself, and I much prefer the Nice Guy routine to the asshole act.

To rephrase it all: I am unemployed again. The boss thanked me for my service to the company and said he’ll write a recommendation for me, and won’t get in the way of an Unemployment application. Forward Defense. I made it easy for everyone for me to move on.

I don’t have much of anyone to talk to, so you guys are it, and OD lets me, as I said, put my thoughts in order – thank you for reading my words, and for the notes I get.

ONWARDS.

*****