well….

I grew up hearing, before my mother died, "you’re not the only pebble on the beach", meaning don’t think just of yourself; there are others too.

It was a quick way to get my mouth washed out with soap to say "no" to that, but mom, I do beg to differ. I know it’s not all about me, but there’s only one of me in here looking out, and it IS mostly about ME.

My cousin’s wife sent out a group e-mail this morning; their house has been sold and they will be leaving Oregon in less than a month, after a week’s vacation in Hawaii. It is perhaps appropriate that our "last" Thanksgiving together, the third one in "modern times", was at a friend of theirs and not at one of their families homes – makes it that much less personal a memory.

There are health reasons involved; my aunt and uncle, my cousin’s parents, are not young, and my cousin’s job is killing him – he is looking forward to a new kind of job – and neither one of them are life-long Oregonians, although my cousin has lived here since 1981, longer than I have. Northern California is still the Pacific Northwest, but that city is seven hours drive from here, so there will be no popping over for dinner or church or Holidays or anything.

I may not be the only pebble on the beach, but I have learned that I am, essentially, alone in life, with the exception of my former wife, in Japan, who has stood by me. In a way, but she is still over 5,000 miles away, so the message I have always known is "you are on your own, Cat".

Yes, that has gotten in the way; I might still be married if I had thought otherwise, maybe, and life might have been different – who really knows – but that is the take-away message in this life. When it really comes down to it, I’m alone and have to depend on myself, no one else.

I AM the cat who walks alone.

I hear some whispers of a "pity Party", writing this/it being read, but I think of it as realism, that ultimately, we are all alone in this life, and it is all about us. "Us". You know I mean "me", each of us individually, right?

So be it; nothing has really changed. There was a brief interlude in this nearly 50 year run where I haven’t been "alone", but it’s "par for the course" that those interludes are brief. It adds to their meaning… but…

I am the cat who walks alone.

Onwards.

*****