Welcome back to me, what I hope from this diary

Waaaay back in the day I was a member here.  had a couple diaries over the years, mostly through highschool.  I have it downloaded somewhere.  I’m 38 now.  suddenly thought of this place a month or two ago and thought it might be the place i need to be again.  is it worth a monthly fee?  not sure yet.  But Here i can be open, here i can be honest, here I can be anonymous and hopefully still connect and get feedback from others.

I have come to terms in the last year or two that I am autistic.  have my diagnosis in about a month and i’m terrfied they wont get it right as the place i’m going isn’t progressive with understanding how autism presents in females/AFAB

I’m also asexual.  to be specific, i think, i’m demi-romantic sex neutral asexual.  I didn’t even know it was a thing until about 2 years ago.  I just didn’t get others.

I also seem to present with a lot of things that are characteristic of PSTD, but I cant think of a single thing that would cause that.

What i’m interested in exploring here is what it means to be autistic, what it means to be asexual, what kind of future I dream of, that kind of stuff that comes with my new lifestyle realizations (I’m not very out about any of this in my life just yet)

I also want to get comfortable with using inclusive language.  I feel uncomfortable doing that in my every day life, but I shouldn’t.  Should be easy for me to say “my pronouns are she/her”.  But I feel like that’s too weird in the life I lead.  It shoudn’t be.  So i start here.

I’m also hoping this might be a place where I can ask things to a diverse group of people…  is it typical to prefer not to sit on chairs, at least not normally.  I’d rather sit on the floor, a desk, lay down, and just genrally move around rather than sit properly on a chair for any length of time.  Agree or disagree?  And are you NT or ND?    (Neurotypical or Neurodiverse).  I want a true oppinon rather than asking a group of austisitc/neurodiverse people who say yup this is an ND thing.  but is it?



Neurotypical is what people tend to consider “normal”.  The world is built for your brain,  you understand how to socialize, etc.
Neurodiverse is an umbrella term for brains that are wired differently.  Autism, ADHD, tics and various other diversities i’m really not familliar with as I’m still learning all this.


(By the way, someone please let me know if i’m doing this tagging thing all wrong, because i probably am

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May 12, 2021

Hey there, I’m an OG Open Diary user too lol. I think I deleted my original account though, kind of sad I did 🙁 I’m not NT or ND but I don’t think it’s normal in general for the human population to be sitting as much as we are in the first place, just my opinion from the things I’ve read online though! Anyways, nice to see us back here and grown up and needing a place to vent 🙂

I’m aro/ace. I’m also non binary.

May 13, 2021

Wow I didn’t realize adults as old as you are getting diagnosed with autism. I gather you are high functioning? Such as aspergers? Anyhow how does an adult gets diagnosed for autism? Is it through a psychologist? Anyhow as I had read through your entry you and I sound a lot alike since I am also most likely asexual as well but didn’t know it for years until therapy. I also used to use opendiary years ago off and on.

@itsjustmarina In the last decade or so there has been a lot more research into autism and a better understanding with how it presents in a diversity of people.  Most of the original research was done on white males so its very narrow.  which is why a lot of adults like me, especially females are seeking diagnoses now.  I’ve lived my life just feeling different but able to “mask” to fit in, mostly.  Masking involves basically looking at everyone around ourselves and trying to act how they do so that our peers don’t notice that we’re different.  Even with that i’ve always been different, unable to keep friends, ostrasized etc.  For that reason, i’ve just felt broken, like everyone else got an instructoin manuel to life and i was skipped.  So now instead of being the werid broken one, I’ve come to the understanding that my brain is just wired differently.

Even so, a diagnosis is hard to get as an adult, and in many places quite costly.  Which is why a large part of the autistic community accepts self diagnosis as valid.

Since I know you’re asking genuine questions, please don’t take this negatively as my goal is to educate, but its preferred not to use the term Asperger’s anymore, it’s now under autism spectrum disorder, or ASD.  Also the guy who Asperger’s was named after, basically it was his way of deciding if the kids were high enough functioning to allow to live.  through a modern lense, not so good.  Also functioning terms aren’t great, as they are from an outsider’s perspective.  Basically, yes, i function highly enough that i don’t require outside support and i can get around in society.  what it does not take into consideration to call someone high or low functioning is the days that i’m screaming on the inside, and ignoring the pain and just trying to go on.  In some ways its like trying to go through life with a migraine but you can’t tell anyone you just have to get by.    I’m not yet sure what the preferred terms are, but i’ve seen some people user higher or lower support needs.  In which case, i have very low support needs.

I hope that makes sense, I’m not the best person to educate as I’m still trying to learn also, but education is one of those things I feel like I can do now that I’m anonymous.

I feel the same relief from realizing that i’m autistic that i did when i understood i’m ace… not sure if it’s the same for you, just being like ahh finally i do make sense 🙂

May 13, 2021

@notyourneurotypicalgirl oh ok thanks for letting me know and trying to educate me on this whole autism spectrum thing here

@itsjustmarina Thanks for being open to new perspectives 🙂