Calm and cool
Things are calm and cool right now. I sure hope they stay that way. Stacy seems to have some kind of trust issue, suddenly, where I’m concerned, and I don’t understand or like that, but I just have to deal with it. I think it’s somehow tied into her new boyfriend, Chris.
As for Chris…well, Stacy FINALLY has a boyfriend I like and can (and do) respect. He is definitely an alpha personality, which sometimes clashes with Stacy and definitely with The Chief (Laurie). I mean, come on…her nickname alone should tell everyone who REALLY runs the house! I’m the responsible one; she’s the boss. May not always be too fair, but it’s just our dynamic, even though sometimes I want to hit her over the head with that dynamic.
I am so proud of Laurie! I’m also scared, because tomorrow is Doctor Day again, and I know she’s going to get those goddamned narcotics again. It’s been so nice to have the whole her and not a drugged-up version of her. I really don’t look forward to her having those freakin’ pills again. She has dealt with the constant pain pretty well, which I kinda think is only fair. After all, I hurt almost all the time, too, and I rarely even take OTC medicines for it. I just hurt and deal with it.
She’s made definite efforts to get along and not be a bitch for no reason. That’s been a major bone of contention for us. She and I can usually find a way to get along, because if she yells or is unreasonable with me, I take the challenge and do it right back. Most people can’t deal with her that way, or if they do, it has a distinctive "DIDN’T WORK" result. It doesn’t always work for me, either, but I have a better shot at its success.
She’s still getting up more and helping herself. I am so afraid that will change once those pills are back in the house. Because of her recent behavior and efforts, I really don’t feel the same grudge about parceling them out to her, so that is good. I still hate the pills, though. I don’t know if that will ever change, nor do I know if I WANT it to change.
I will keep updating, as things happen.
By the way, we’re looking for a vehicle, since I’m receiving half my school loan this week. Mama pointed out a cheap mini-van for us the other day, but then she bought it for herself. When she told me, my only reaction (out loud) was, "Oh". She asked if that was all, and I told her that it was a bit stunning that she’d snatch it out from under us like that. How Sherry-ish. My cousin Sherry does things like that. She tells about something that might help, then snatches the option away for herself. I was VERY shocked that Mama did that. It was totally out of character, and I don’t like it one bit. What is happening to my mother?! What is that stupid man she’s married to doing to her? And why so late in the fucking marriage?! They’ve been married for 21 years. Funny…21 is SUPPOSED to be my lucky number. In this case, it definitely is not. Mama keeps trying to stay close, in a way, but still is changing and distancing herself from us. It’s very confusing, and I alternate between loving and loathing her. I hate to say that, but it’s been that way for a long time. She flat-out TOLD me the other day, "You can cuss about it, get mad at me, whatever, but when I think about asking Wayne to take me to your house, I get knots in my stomach…it almost makes me sick." Well, I DO understand that. I’ve been there, with Nanny….BUT…I faced the challenge anyway, and at Mama’s urging, mostly. Why tell me to do something she’s not willing to do herself? Well, again, I think I understand. After all, I want MY children to be better people than I am, so….
Sometimes I just want to pack it up and get the hell out of Dodge. I moved here to be closer to Mama and my grandmothers. My grandmothers are dead, and Mama is figuratively killing off herself…or allowing it to be done; what’s the damned difference?…so why stay? The house will be paid off in November. I don’t want to lose something like a house, but I also don’t want this distance from my own mother when we live in the same town. It would feel more right if we didn’t live in the same town. At least then, she’d have an excuse not to see us, visit us. Why do I need to excuse her? Because she’s the only parent I have, and I DO love her. Very very much.
*Sigh* I don’t know what to think right now. I’m happy with Laurie, though. Can’t have everything, I guess.
Herman Forstmann
Promote Your Page Too