Doctor Day for Valentine’s *EDIT*

Well, yesterday was doctor day.  We were supposed to go in and correct the issue about her narcotic meds, but it didn’t happen.  After promising me all week that she would address her problem, she changed courses at the last possible minute.  She told the doctor that there was no way she had taken that much medicine in 24 hours or she’d be dead. 

Ok, I didn’t say in 24 hours.  I said FOUR DAYS.  Stacy said 24 hours, but because it supported my wife’s cause, she didn’t mention that, even though I’d said it in the letter to the doctor.  Furthermore, she told the doctor that she thinks my godson’s 16 year old sister stole those pills that were missing.  Like I don’t know how to tell when my wife is doped up, after seven years of living together!

I told the doctor, "Okay, fine.  I’m to the point where I have to say if she wants to die, I’ll let her die."  He didn’t respond, and I don’t CARE if that comment comes back to bite me.  Nothing I do has done ANY good, because my selfish bitch of a wife won’t admit she has a problem to anyone besides me.

Tired is not even the word.  I’m still dead-set against a divorce, though I don’t know why.  I am DISGUSTED with her right now.  I don’t even want to talk to her, much less have anything to do with her, but I want to stay married…..doesn’t really make any sense.

And for some reason, she has the balls to be mad at ME, as if I did something wrong in trying to help.  Well, I guess that should have been expected.  But I meant what I said.  If she’s that goddamned determined to die, I’m just going to let her, since fighting it does not good at all.  It doesn’t fucking matter to her that I’ll have to tell our kids and grandkids she’s dead, that they, too, will wonder why she didn’t love them enough to help herself.  

I don’t know what to do.  If I didn’t have my kids and grandkids, I probably would kill myself.

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later in the day

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I feel guilty for what I wrote earlier.  It was true, at the moment, but I keep going through shifts of feelings.  I really do believe that if I left her, she would really DIE…not try, not almost, but really, truly die.  I’m not good at keeping her in check, but I am here just in case.  Who would be if I left her alone?

I do love Laurie.  More than anything.  I’m just having a really hard time knowing that drugs come before our family, not just me but our kids and theirs, too.

This is tough.  Persona, I DID promise through sickness and health, which is one reason I don’t want a divorce.  This is part of the sickness.  I’m just not sure if it will ever get better.  I wouldn’t want to BE deserted, though (and I know that’s not how you meant it), so I can’t bear to do that to her.  

I wish a big hug and kiss could make it all go away.  That would be easy.  Life can’t be that.