Balance

Song: “Harvest Dawn” by Jeremy Soule — Oblivion, Elder Scrolls IV

Rather than spending my royalties from the holiday season (that are just now finally coming into my bank account) on what I had originally planned: ETFs/retirement and as an additional reserve for Etsy supplier costs – I spent a good chunk of it on Udemy courses. Well, at least a good chunk for me, I’m sure for many it would seem nominal. But I digress. It was a lot for me, penny pincher that I am.

This act alone really sheds some light on just how hard it is for me to spend money on something that is just for me. I mean, hell, I spent over a decade refusing to buy myself new underwear, even though they were threadbare and falling apart. I will turn down clothing that I love even though it’s $5 from a secondhand store. Why?

Because it feels so selfish.

But the truth is, while Etsy and all these other “make money while at home with the kids” types of things that I pursue seem okay – and by okay I mean they don’t make me want to die like working at a gas station or fast food restaurant would (no offense to those who do, sincerely, I have the utmost respect for these people) – they do not excite me.

However, they do make me feel like I’m contributing something to the family, and there’s no denying there’s a thrill when you make a sale. Not much can beat the dopamine rush of hearing that “cha-ching” – but it doesn’t… it doesn’t fill my soul with any sort of joy, any sort of purpose. It’s just another thing that I have to do to keep the electricity on, gas in the car, food on the table. It’s for survival. There’s no other purpose to it than this.

I think the fact that I’ve been having more and more supply issues for my Etsy items has also helped push me in this direction. Honestly, without that I don’t know that I could (or would) have justified the Udemy purchase really. I’ve had several Etsy orders now sitting for 3 days due to out of stock issues. And I’m just plain sick of dealing with this bullshit. There’s so many links in the chain that can (and do) go wrong, all for something that I don’t really get meaningful enjoyment out of beyond monetarily.

And well, here I am.

These courses, they were all I thought about as I was falling asleep last night.

They were all I thought about waking up this morning.

So, if I’m going to do this, I need several things: Spotify without ads (one of the few times I can justify this cost, the ads are immersion breaking), a willingness to buy more courses as I work my way through them, and Kindle Unlimited. These things… they are easily afforded, financially speaking, from the royalties that I already bring in. I should not let myself stress over the financial cost, however selfish they seem to me on the surface. I must allow myself to leave the financial issue at this. It needs to be settled and left right here.

My bigger challenge, and the thing that could absolutely break me, is putting my foot down and demanding that I be given time to myself to pursue this. As I’ve explored the world of making money at home as a mom, one of my biggest requirements was that it be something that I can be interrupted from. This will no longer be the case. My family is in for a big change, yet, I know my kids are old enough now to be capable of it. The truth is, this will be an even bigger change for me. I’m so used to giving, giving, giving. I have no doubt that guilt will make itself known. But… there is a bigger picture here. A very important one.

My kids will see their mother taking time for herself. And as long as I do not allow myself to give up; success is almost inevitable. If I can manage to follow through – it will go well beyond monetarily. And this is a healthy thing. I would never want them to feel like a servant to those around them in their future. I would never want them to give up their dreams. To feel lost. Forgotten. And perhaps worst of all, think this is normal or what one should do because that’s what they watched their mother do.

This, at the end of it all, is the best gift I can give them. Show them how, by example, to love those around you and still love yourself.

All things in balance.