Black Sheep

Song: “Blood Upon the Snow” by Hozier & Bear McCreary — God of War, Ragnarok

There are only so many hours in a day. I have got to figure out a way to properly prioritize things. Else I will continue this feeling of withering away and wondering why I’m still here. Why I bother with anything at all.

I think I am jaded by my general experiences with people. But really, I need to be more focused on what I can control, rather than that which I cannot: What can I learn from this? Is there a behavior of my own that needs working on? How about my general outlook on the situation. Rather than feeling sorry and angry for myself, perhaps feel grateful for the experience and what it gave me at the time and the lessons I now carry.

These two paragraphs seem unrelated on the surface. But I know they are not. I hide within myself and then feel very lost.

I think I’ve spent a lot of my life just stuck in this “hurt mode” which has prevented me from really figuring myself out. I’ve been told I’m “X” and then punished in many different ways by many different people (including myself) for daring to explore outside of the mold that was set for me.

It’s made me tired, confused, and ashamed of myself for even existing.

And now I’m sad, but mostly lost. And probably very angry on the inside somewhere. No doubt I’ve buried that quiet well. Among other negative emotions that are almost certainly humming under the surface. None of this is helped by the fact that I am convinced that my feelings are not as important as those of others because in the grand scheme of shitty things that can happen to someone, I’m not doing nearly as bad as some.

So I use this to delegitimize my feelings. Stuff them down. Ignore them. Tell myself I don’t deserve to feel sad, pissed off, alone, unheard, or any other number of things. These things are for other people to feel and eventually grow character from. Not me. I ought to be ashamed of myself for even having any of these feelings to begin with. Clearly I’m a lower being than those around me, I continue to tell myself. I am subhuman.

Refer to the second paragraph and I have myself a nice little loop.

If I think on it, I think it comes down to not letting myself feel, express, or even explore those feelings. Perhaps if I allowed myself to feel them (in a healthy way of course) and they’ve had their time “out in the sun” they will stop holding so much power. And then after allowing myself to explore and express them, I can finally just let them go. Only then will those lessons I seek have impact, more meaning. They will sing to my soul and stick around rather than continuing this endless cycle.

At the end of the day I really want to be me, explore me, know me, and love me. But it’s impossible when I’m still plagued by these childhood notions that I’m a fat cow, that I’m overly emotional, that I’m not good enough, that I need to be this, or why haven’t I accomplished that, this emotion isn’t correct, that idea should be changed, etc.

On the inside, I still feel like that little girl who was told everything she felt was wrong. Pink and gold wallpaper. Dreaming of everything outside of my bedroom window and beyond the woods that the world had to offer. There must be more than this.

So, I need to prioritize this – get to know me, the me that was stuffed away in a forgotten corner like an unacceptable doll. Figure it out, figure myself out, and fuck everyone else. I’ll be a black sheep if I want to be. This. It’s time to prioritize this, and be damned proud of it too, even if that takes a little time and getting used to.