I speak Jibberish to the World

Every time I do a deep dive into my childhood, I’m wrecked the next day. Today I slept it off. I got up with the baby in the morning and then I slept from noon until 7pm, even though I’d slept all night the night before. Granted, I went to sleep late, but…

I’m struggling with feelings of being misunderstood all the time. I don’t really have anyone that really gets me.

I don’t have anywhere I can truly be myself 100%.

I love Michael, but he has limitations from his Autism that makes subtly difficult for him, so he doesn’t really laugh at my jokes. Also, I have to check in with him and make sure he understood a certain face I made, because sometimes he thinks I made an angry face when I wasn’t, or a sad face. It’s a lot sometimes, but I’ve got a better understanding of it. That doesn’t mean it’s not exhausting sometimes. And I get lonely for someone who just understands me.

That person for me was my Father but he’s not here anymore.

It’s hard having to be watered down versions of myself 100% of the time. I used to have tons of friends who all understood me and we had a blast and laughed and laughed, but those days are long gone. They’re far away, now.

Hopefully in the future I’ll find some friends who understand me. I’m sure that I will. But for now, it’s just hard.

I mention this because my husband streams every night, and the only way I get to hang out with him is if I hang out while he’s streaming. I can’t be myself on stream because his audience is very much like him. After all, like attracts like. So… they’re not really “my people” if that makes sense. I have to be very careful about what I say. I can only do it for so long and then I have to just come inside and be alone.

It’s okay, though. He’s mentioned recently that we should start marking days on the calendar that are just for us, so I’m very much looking forward to that. Tomorrow we’re going to go do something as a family, just the three of us, and I’m very excited for that. We might go have a picnic by the Hollywood sign. Or we might go to a flea market. Either way, I’m glad he’s finally seeing the importance of family time.

I know that good things are right around the corner. I feel it. But that doesn’t make me any less lonely in the moment.

It reminds me of one of my favorite Kurt Vonnegut quotes:

“I speak Jibberish to the world,

and it replies in kind.”