Sometimes there is existential anxiety and sometimes it is like your passport is nowhere to be found because someone other than yourself entrusted themselves to remember where they kept it because they knew you would be needing it so they kept it ‘safe’ which means it is lost and nowhere to be found. I really don’t want to be dealing with this right now. I really do not want anyone to touch anything od mine ever again. I had a chance today to call and see if I could make an appointment to get an expedited passport but it is ridiculous that I should have to do this at all. I put it iff and slept through the day. Now I have to call first thing tomorrow or there is no chance of getting a passport before the travel date. My only hope as far as that goes is that I will get a same day appointment which still means making the exhausting trip to Boston and hardly having time to prepare in any other way. It could turn up but at this point is unlikely. She does feel really bad and I just can’t make sense of how we got to a place where my passport was not in my own hands for no one else to touch so we would not get into this mess.
She offered to cover the cost of a new passport and the airline tickets but that is ridiculous too and no matter who pays someone is out $500 when you add it all up and all because of a passport that was supposedly kept in a safe place when I should have just had it all along. It just does not make sense. Counting on other people can be like counting on a black hole not to gobble you up when you stare right at it from five feet away.
I cannot believe the things that can and have been lost for no reason. The fact that any of these changes in plans is needing to happen in any way at all makes no sense. Everything as far as what I am thinking is in flux; these were my plans, plans that made sense, and now I have no idea what I am even doing again. It took up my whole day yesterday and probably today and tomorrow will be so much less productive too since I have no idea what is even going to happen.
Whether I travel or not, it won’t exactly affect so much whether I accomplish my goals so much as what their finished form looks like snd probably how satisfied I am with the results. I probably won’t accomplish as much in Spanish if I don’t get to somewhere I can speak it. Certain goals will be easier and some will be harder if I travel. Writing may be easier because I would have more inspiration to write about and music may be harder, for example. It just changes the whole way I am seeing the next few weeks going, nonetheless: my timing and dates were kind of strategic and fit into my goals after that and now all my plans are turned to dust because I did not expect such things to happen, all the while knowing in the back of my mind that something as ludicrous as the location of my passport being forgotten by someone who is not even me *could* happen and particularly because I was soon to need it. Knowing I needed it soon seems be one of the main reasons it got lost. I do not know why we cannot agree to just not lose such things. I am just so tired of senseless, unnecessary obstacles getting in the way of things.