The problem with putting others first; you taught them that you come in second.

The more I evaluate my probably midlife crisis, the more I suspect that this is really just a coming of age. Most people have hefty New Years resolutions, but I didn’t, I decided that I was going to try to be healthier. I meant that in a physical, finanical and emotional sense.

So, I took a hard look at marriage. We have issues. Are they workable? I don’t know. I do know that you either quit or stay. However, you cannot quit AND stay. That’s not good. So, I’m going to stay, appreciate his efforts and try to fall back in love.

Financially? Get that small loan paid off that’s drowning me in interest. Why I didn’t realize it sooner, idk. I’m determined though. I want it gone.

My job? I’ve worked the same job for 10 years. They don’t realize what it does to have the same rejection over and over. I wanted a career, not a dead end job. I’m out.

Other people? I have never made decisions to benefit JUST me. It’s always been what’s best for everyone but me and I fit in the little slot where ever it might have been at the time that was left. I stopped running around making decisions and doing everyone’s bidding. I look around for a second and realize that no one AT ALL has been taking care of me. I’m pretty shocked and heart broken. I love so many people so much but no one considers me at all. I’m 32. I’m living in a state that i hate, with weather that I hate, in a marriage with a cheating and mentally ill husband and I go to a job everyday for the last 10 years that refuses to recognize my tenure or my performance. I’m done. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. I’m gonna go out and change somethings.

This isn’t a midlife crisis, it’s a fucking revolution.

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April 22, 2018

Your title is so true.  It was something I realized about 20 years ago, when I was in my 30’s.  I smile because I thought I might be having a midlife crisis too.  I like your term, revolution.  I had one of my own, and am still on that journey for the better. Blessings to you….

April 22, 2018

I like Dandelion Tea’s note to you.  It’s a very good note.

April 22, 2018

Yes. A revolution is what it takes.

April 23, 2018

Good for you! That is a great and realistic goal to have, to try to be healthier in all of those ways. I truly hope you can achieve that. Looks like your marriage does deserve a serious look. To stay and try is not something that can be done on your own – it has to be both of you. I am really happy in my marriage, but this is coming from someone who also realized she does everything for everyone (friends), and I’ve also been very hurt because of it: be careful that you are not just staying because it is your nature to give people chances (I’ve done that in past serious relationships). But of course marriage deserves a try, as at some point, you thought this could be forever; I just think a lot of people stay due to fear of leaving after so much has been invested. But you are still SO young. I know you don’t feel it, but you can still live an entire life, and then another.

Pay off the debt – it’s incredibly freeing. My husband taught me to tell my friends, “sorry, I’m broke” to stop spending money, and focus on paying off stuff, and it helped. Find a better job, if the current one is eating at your soul.

Anyway, I’m giving you advice for things that you already seem to be doing haha, but I just bumped into your diary, and I can relate to the part about doing things for other people all the time, and the part about trying to figure out what I really wanna do with my life, and that I’m also actively seeking to be healthier: haven’t drank in a month (just taking a break), meditating every day, doing yoga, etc.

I wish you the best of luck in your revolution. You are worth it. 🙂