I’ve made it 1/4 of the way to meeting this baby! Yay!
The anxiety has returned with a vengeance this week. It’s simply ridiculous. I know this. Yet, I can’t stop it. The intrusive thoughts are real. It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve got to see her. I’ve got 2 weeks from yesterday until I get to see her again. I was doing okay with that until this week. Then the fear resumed… What if she isn’t alive? What if she’s quit growing? What if it’s a missed miscarriage? What if I’m planning for a baby that doesn’t exist? *sigh* I know that each week the miscarriage rate goes down. Yet, I need some kind of reassurance that she’s in there and okay. I remind myself what my therapist has said – I have no control, try to find the joy and in the end – When these thoughts come turn them into “What if it does all go right? What will that be like?” So, when the thoughts get strong I try to reframe them into – How great it will be when she’s here. I’m just scared. So scared. I want this baby more than imaginable.
So, I try to just think… How great it will be when she joins me on this earth. I cannot wait. I’m simply excited to feel her movement sooner than later and I cannot wait for that next ultrasound. 13 more days.
This week the app says she’s the size of a kumquat – So, she’s like a cute, little, tiny orange thing? Ha. How do they come up with the fruits to use. And it says my uterus is the size of a grapefruit now… More fruit.
I’m starting to get paranoid on the need to tell people before they find out on their own part of this. However, with the growing anxiety this week I’ve decided I’m still not until I get that 12 week ultrasound. I’m well aware I’ve got something going on and currently am at the – Don’t look pregnant, but look like I’ve drank a few beers kind of fat. Ick. Not what I enjoy. The bloating continues to be real. So, I need to continue to hide my “fat” for at least 2 more weeks when I’m ready to tell the few people I feel need to personally hear it from me. Then I’ll just accept the fat part – I’ll feel way better when it’s an actual obvious pregnant bump and not this. I have issues. I can’t stand gaining weight in general and imagine people are just staring thinking I should lay off the donuts or something.
The nausea and fatigue continue to be real. Way too real. It should be getting better, however, it’s getting… worse. This gives me some comfort still. Yesterday was a rough day. Sunday was a rough day. I attribute this still to my “slowly rising HCG”. The fact mine rises slow but keeps rising. So, it’s like constantly wanting to puke vs it sky rocketing quickly and adjusting to the levels and moving on from wanting to puke. I’m tired of being so tired. I hate being unproductive and worthless. I have no interest in cleaning, organizing, working, nothing. I just want to sleep. This continues to frustrate me.
Last night, after I got off work and slept from 5 – 8, just to get up to eat and shower and go back to bed… I said to out loud, more to myself than Max – How am I going to do this for 30 more weeks and the entire time? Meaning working both jobs and 50 – 60 hours every week. His quick response – You’re not. Seriously? Yeah, he doesn’t see anyway I can pull this off the entire time. Ohhhh buddy, I AM going to. I just don’t know how yet. Lots of naps on the days I don’t work? He thinks I’m crazy, he doesn’t know my drive for money good enough I guess. I’ll do whatever it takes to be debt free and have money saved to NOT have to return to both jobs after birth.
Plus, for working – I’ve got to make better tips the more pregnant I get. Right? Sympathy/Pity tips are a REAL thing. Ha.
I spend my anxious time staring at my baby registry. Ha. I want a dream nursery – on a budget. This week I may have finally settled on a crib/furniture set. I think. Well, I’ve narrowed it down to two options. Maybe I’ll give Max some input. He honestly doesn’t care I’m sure – When I talk about something, he talks about how he could make that. No, we aren’t making a crib out of pallets or whatever junk he’s got laying around. Thanks, but no thanks. Now, I just need the motivation to get it done. Unfortunately, I can’t do it all myself because – I don’t want to learn, ha. First step is organizing the room downstairs and fixing where the water leaked. Then moving the furniture from the baby’s room to the basement room. Thennnnnn, I want Max to redo the floor as I want to tear out the carpet while it’s furniture free. However, I feel like I can paint before he does the floor – BUT, now I’m decided on the wallpaper of one wall. I like the walls full of flowers and stuff. Like a beautiful accent wall. I wanted to paint first but then I realized I need to the wall paper to pick out the right paint colors. lmfao. Yeah, this is going to be a project to say the least. It’s going to be so pretty when I’m done. I’d like to finish this by the end of the 2nd trimester as I know come 3rd Trimester I’m going to be huge and even more tired. Plus, I’d like to spend that time just decorating with the little stuff and organizing cute baby clothes.
Really though, I need to like organize my whole house over the next months. So, I need to find energy.
Overall, everything is pretty uneventful – Just the anxiety issues going on and these issues will probably be going on for a long time.