Recent Entries

• Feelings of Guilt

  February 24, 2020

  I’m 7 weeks into this semester. Only 11 more to go.... But who’s counting? Life is so much more peaceful now that I’ve switched placements and can complete my hours at work! Yet, it’s far from peaceful. If that makes any sense. Im required to submit weekly journal entries. I’m honest in them. My ...

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• Inherited Behavior

  February 9, 2020

  I’ve accomplished nothing today. Self pity. Exhaustion. Sleep. That’s pathetically it. Tomorrow I WILL be more productive. I hope. He was gone for over a week. I realized something - That week was amazing. My anxiety was so much better. I didn’t worry about what I was walking into. It was lonely ...

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• Finally – An answer.

  February 3, 2020

  Things are finally beginning to get better.  Now, I'm left sorting out the remaining damage and realizations inside my head.  I've decided I will take that ANY day over the last month. I still hadn't heard from Mr. Douche Thursday.  Seriously, I can't do my assignments, learning plans, anything u...

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• Internship Saga Continues…

  January 29, 2020

  The internship saga continues. So, I emailed everyone and their brother. Needless to say. I got results. Kind of. I received an email from Douche Director on Thursday. Let’s call him DD. It’s shorter. He said he was considering it. But he wanted me to fill the form out again. Differently. Fine. W...

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• Ridiculous Internship Requirements

  January 21, 2020

  Another day has passed. I’m exhausted. Actually. That may be an understatement. 115 more days. But who’s counting? Have I determined how I will magically feel better? Less alone? Happier? No. Not at all. I truly don’t know. I don’t feel I even have time to figure it out. This internship remains r...

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• Craving Numbness.

  January 19, 2020

  Today.  Today I'm scrubbing my house like a crazy person.  It gives an outlet for the anxiety.  It keeps me busy.  Pacing.  Scrubbing.  Trying to control my surroundings since I feel I really can't control anything else. I wish I could simply flip a switch.  Change my mind set.  Not feel how I fe...

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• It’s Not Okay

  January 18, 2020

  I hate feeling like I do. I hate feeling crazy, defeated, confused, sad. Most of all I hate feeling alone. So miserably alone. I’ve been thinking lately. Maybe I should see someone myself. Maybe I need to search for a way to fuel my own soul when my entire week is spent fueling others. But…

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• Waiting for the results…..

  November 25, 2019

  Surgery was harder than I anticipated it would be as far as recovery. I truly expected to walk in, go to sleep, wake up, feel great and leave. Simple enough? Yeah, in my fantasy world it is that simple. Not in reality. No polyps. No fibroids. I’m fairly certain I incoherently asked every person t...

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• Doctor Visit Finally

  November 13, 2019

  Somedays I’m just frustrated by the stress of life. I don’t write nearly enough. I wish I did but finding the words can even be too much some days. Today someone at work asked how I find the the time to do everything. I just do? It’s not optional? I don’t have a choice? She…

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