Recent Entries

• Behind my back to the OBGYN – Paternity Test?

  January 3, 2023

  This one popped up this weekend.  I'd forgotten all about it for years.  22 years to be exact. What prompted this memory?  I have no idea.  A combination of things - Brandon coming in to get food Thursday night.  A post on the NM FB Page about mother's doing inappropriate things when a baby is&he...

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• Introduction to the Crazy…

  January 3, 2023

  A new chapter. This chapter is just to write the random memories that are popping into my head as my mother likely faces her final months/years.  To remind myself, it isn't me, it's her.  To read when the guilt is consuming.  To share with my therapist when I feel like the crazy one.  To remember...

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• 2023 Goals and Creating a *new* Chapter Next

  January 3, 2023

  A new year... I'm not a huge fan of "New Year Resolutions".  How often do people actually stick to them?  That would be something interesting to read the statistics on.  I'm going to say like 10% or less.  If I really picked a number I'd go with 3%.  Yeah, I've got lots of "resolutions".  No,&hel...

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• Sad Ramblings – A possible cancer death sentence.

  December 30, 2022

  Now for today's entry - I had yesterdays almost done.  Then got busy doing something and had to leave to get to the new job without saving it.  Ugh.  I swear life at work is all or nothing. Today - Today is rough.  I'm still exhausted.  M was asleep on the floor when I got…

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• No sleep = No nightmares.

  December 28, 2022

  You can't have nightmares if you don't sleep.  Problem solved. Really though, not sleeping is NOT my goal.  Ugh, I'm so freaking tired today.  Like want to nap on my office floor and I still have to go wait tables tonight.  It's going to be a LONG few days until the weekend. M went down…

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• Nightmares – Yet again!

  December 27, 2022

  This title says it all.  The nightmares had really gotten better.  I don't feel like I've had a vivid one in a long time.  At least a few weeks, but more like a couple months.  Then last night - back to the same, but different.  Awoke sad, panicked, angry.  My subconscious dreaming mind is sure&h...

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• Ohhhh Christmas…

  December 26, 2022

  Christmas is complete. Returning to the real world tomorrow. Once upon a time, I loved Christmas. I dreamt of the perfect Christmas. Literally, fantasies of beautiful families, gorgeous houses, laughter, fun, games. Who in the hell was I kidding? My life is NOT a Hallmark Movie. It’s never been. ...

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• This and That… IVF Updates and Fostering Rambles.

  December 14, 2022

  What a whirlwind the last few weeks have been. Final verdict on the IVF Transfer - Negative.  I knew it was negative before I took it.  I also didn't know it would hurt so damn much.  Being used to negatives is one thing.  Knowing you transferred a good looking embryo and it didn't implant is&hel...

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• Lied to Myself – Negatives do hurt.

  November 14, 2022

  I lied.  Absolutely, positively lied to myself.  Completely. This whole time I said I'd take home pregnancy tests leading up to my beta as "I'm used to a negative".  Well, I am used to a negative.  Completely.  100%.  They didn't phase me... However, I'm not  used to a negative after injecting my...

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