Healing After Break-Up, Dating Next

I really wanted to take a nap but realized I won’t sleep tonight if I do that. So, I took an Adderall instead and am waiting for that to kick in. In the meantime, figured I’d listen to my book and write an entry.

I’m on my phone so we’ll see how long I last. There’s so much going on. Never enough time to write it all out lately though. I’m trying to debate which topic I want to write on the most. Hard choices.

I’d say it’s been nearly 2 months since Max told me he’d be leaving someday. Over a month since he actually left. I’m starting to finally do better. Am I healed? Hell no.

I’ve attended therapy 1-2 times a week since this all began. I don’t think I’m ready to go down to bi-weekly. It seems like something happens every week I need to talk about or is pushing me over the edge.

Do I still miss him? Yes. Yet, I don’t think it’s him I miss. It’s the “him” I imagined he could be. The happily ever after I fantasized about. Not the reality of what he or our relationship was. It wasn’t perfect. He was just, mostly, nice to me. He was the father of my child. He knew me more intimately than anyone else in the world. I was so comfortable with him after the awful marriage and divorce I went through.

I wish we could fix it and work on these things. Yet, I can’t. Not alone. He’d have to heal too. He isn’t. Our relationship would have been amazed if we’d of addressed the issues. But that’s the truth on every relationship.

To begin with, he wanted me to go away. He wanted to date but not talk. He couldn’t stand me. His tone has changed now that I went away. Now he randomly texts. Still goes to see my Grandma. Wanders the bar looking for me according to my “bar friends”. Remember tho – HE WANTED THIS. NOT ME.

He’s reached out more in the last few weeks than the last few months to combined. All because he knows I’m moving on.

Remember, he told me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I’d gotten too fat. Of course I did, I was on fertility meds and then pregnant. I weighed about 172 in October. 157 the end of February. I’m at 133 as of this week. I’m truly hoping to hit 120 and then really start toning and exercising. He can see this. He can see I look great.

The LAST time he broke up with me, I told him it was fine but he was throwing away the best thing that ever happened to him and he WAS going to regret it. He is – I’m 2 pounds skinner then when I met him, more fun, more educated, more healed. He will regret this. I’m exactly what he wanted. He just gave up too early and didn’t recognize I was already working on this when he moved out.

He texted yesterday, “I am having regrets already. I just keep telling myself it’s FOMO to cope.”. Nah, that’s not it. As I’m not doing anything exciting he’d like. There’s no social media bragging about fun. No fun at all. He’s having regrets because I’m regrettable. Because he made a mistake. Because what we had was real. Because I truly loved him. Likely more than anyone has ever genuinely loved him. I referred him to the book I’m reading, Anxiously Attached. It describes our relationship so well. Me being Anxious. Him being Anxious Avoidant.

He assured me he’d read it and let me know. We will see when he reaches out next as I’m realizing he will.

I’ve started dabbling in dating. While dabbling in self care. And lots of therapy & self help books. My therapist has encouraged it all. She feels I need to realize there’s lots people out there. That it’s okay to date and not be together forever. To just explore myself and the world.

Dating is a cesspool of creeps. However, I’ve met one person I actually like. Taking it slow and really focusing on my Anxiously Attached book and the body parts work. Trying to do it all right this time.

More on that next time. I’m done for now. Typing on the phone is rough.

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