Losing so much, so quick

Now, for just a normal entry – Are things getting better? Not really. At least not for my broken heart and the rest of my fucked up life. I literally feel like I’m losing everything/everyone all at once. That’s a super shitty feeling.

My therapist finally put her foot down I had to see my medication provider. Like when I hung up the phone to call. Immediately. She told me she knew I have way more suicidal ideation than I admit to and I needed to see if I needed my meds adjusted.

Originally, my appointment was for 4/2. First available. She then made me send a portal message asking to be bumped if there’s a cancellation. I ended up getting in last week. I don’t remember exactly what my message said – but she referred to my 2 year plan and that basically we’ve got 2 years to get my meds in order as she does believe I will successfully end this life if I’ve achieved what I needed to. Yeah, she’s probably right. It’s a good thing I have obligations right now that I can’t ditch out on.

She upped the dose on two of my meds but is hoping the one for sleep is temporary while the other meds work and life calms down. She also gave me a new one I had years ago – like 12 years ago and reminded me it worked when things were pretty dark and it works pretty quickly which she thinks I need. So today was day 3 – I still feel broken but I guess I’ve fantasized less about death. So maybe it’s starting to work. Who knows.

I’m still so broken about Max. Praying he’ll change his mind. Realizing he probably is never coming back in reality. He told me he bought a tv and hooked up a washer and dryer. Yeah, just another nail or two in the coffin – showing he isn’t coming back and even if he was he’s sure not in a hurry to.

A found a house to rent where he’s going to college. Okay, actually one of the rich kids dads bought a 5 or 6 bedroom house and he’s renting all the rooms to other aviation students. I wish I had that option in life. So he called today to tell me that he’ll be here over Easter to go through his shit and then wants to move in April. He’ll take everything and his room will be empty. Ouch. Happy for him. Sad for me.

Z is about recovered from surgery and then heading back to work in a couple days. His next surgery will be 5/30. So he’ll likely stay until the 4th of July and then have no reason to keep returning. So that room too will be completely empty but at least have a bed set up and all that.

Then the 4th room is already empty. Literally. Just a guest room after J moved out and all the fosters are gone and never coming back.

So, approximately 4 months or less and I’ll literally be the only person living in this 2,700 square foot house. Freaking amazing. It’s actually depressing. I haven’t decided what to do. Rent out rooms come July? No idea. I just keep hoping Max will want to come back by then.

My current jobs final day remains 6/30. At this moment in life I have no “for sure” job next. I’ll keep my second job and get unemployment while I debate it if it comes down to it. As they realize I won’t budge and am taking the lay-off ideas trickle in. The end of last week I was asked if I’d be interested in a fully remote job for the same agency. Just working a different program. Sure? In that case, I’d change A’s room into a legit work office. However, I’m the only person offered this option so far. Thus, I know it won’t be fully offered until more of my coworkers have quit. I’ve got a great work history, degree, 100% accuracy on the last few audits and have proven I don’t need supervision. So, just waiting to see what happens here. I’ll be waiting for another 3 1/2 months if my predictions are true.

My Grandma hasn’t gotten better. Sadly, the awful choice of a nursing home had to happen. It wasn’t easy. My mom and grandpa wanted to say no. Being realistic, I knew this was the only option currently. She’s that bad off. So, I ended up having to go to the team meetings “as you’re the only voice of reason, understanding and the educational background to know why this is being recommended”. Great. I’ve cried so much. I wish I could bring her home but she WILL fall. It won’t be good. It’s heartbreaking. My grandma raised me, so it’s like slowly losing the only real mom I had growing up. The only person that truly supported me. My grandparents have been married almost 71 years. So they’re so struggling not being together 24/7. My grandma wanted him to move with. He says he isn’t ready to be in a home. I get it.

This is just a small snippet of the last few days. Hopefully, I’ll have time to write more tomorrow. There’s so much more. This says a lot though – lost my long-term boyfriend, losing my job, my grandmas fading fast and mentally she’s lost half the time, all adult kids are leaving forever. Thats a helluva lot to lose in just a couple weeks time.

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March 25, 2024

I can certainly relate to much of what you’re going through. My life trajectory has run a very similar path the past few months. In essence, I’ve lost everything and have struggled mightily trying to recover. The suicidal ideation I can also relate to. It’s been a daily battle for me. Just like you, I wish my ex would take me back, though I think we both know that’s not likely to happen. It’s just the worst situation. I’m tired of living in my car, but I don’t see a way out if this. No luck whatsoever finding a job with a liveable wage. It’s bad.