Dear Max, 3/24/24
Dear Max,
Another day without you. Without waking up to your face. Without feeling your incredible hugs. Without a kiss or an I Love You.
It’s supposed to be getting easier. Yet, it isn’t. Time isn’t healing this wound. I know it’s only been a couple weeks. However, each day hurts a little more, not less. Each day is like I just live a nightmare on repeat. I wake up and you’re the first freaking thought on my mind.
We both know I failed “no contact” again today. Guess, my week goal starts over. It wasn’t fully my fault tho but your moms and yours. Her inviting “us” to their stupid religious shit. Me questioning why she’d invite me, knowing you moved out. And finally, the fact you went and spent an hour with my Grandma. Wow, all of it, totally not what I call – I don’t want to be near you. Thats a lie. You’re simply scared. I know this. Deep down I’m convinced this isn’t truly what you want. Maybe that’s why I cling to this hope? Even though, I know you’re stubborn and this isn’t changing. As you don’t want to admit I’m right, you don’t want to tell people you came back, you feel you have to do this because you care what others think. I’m not stupid, in many ways I know you better than you know yourself.
Talking to you today – Does it help me or hurt me? I feel like we make progress during these talks – then you suddenly run away and need off the phone. Avoidant I say. I’ve learned to quit trying to keep talking and simply say “okay, good bye”. You spend this time telling me how I screwed up, what was my fault, why you were frustrated. I accept this. I never argue as you really are right. I’ve reflected and already know these things. Yet, I wish you’d of told me in the moment – when we could have communicated and addressed it – before we got to this point. You say, “But then you would have been mad and we’d of broken up sooner as you wouldn’t have agreed with what I said.”
Do you know me? At all? No, I wouldn’t have. I’d of talked it out. We’d be living our best life – not separate lives. I explain to you, I already know these things – I know the bad areas. In the moment, I couldn’t see it. Now I can. I also vow to not repeat those same mistakes. Ever. Some of my choices, that you didn’t like, were just as bad for me. Maybe worse. I need to quit trying to save the world. I need to save myself first. I need to enjoy peace and not create chaos. You aren’t telling me anything I don’t already know.
You ask – What does our relationship do for you? What’s the benefit? Really? Yeah, if the past doesn’t repeat and we are together – what’s the benefit? Ummmm, you have a partner that will never give up on you? Someone who loves you more than you’ve ever been loved? Someone you’ve already been vulnerable with and been through the hard shit? Someone who has identified the relationship issues, wants communication and knows exactly what you do and don’t like? That’s something you don’t find every day. That’s a once in a lifetime type shit. This is what people dream of.
You ponder. I feel in my soul you want to cave. You know I’m right. Then suddenly, well I need to go. Okay, good bye.
This simply doesn’t make sense. I know your life was better with me in. I see the life you lived before. I see the life you’re living after. Yeah, I was crazy after our loss but a doing good version of me is literally the best thing you’ll ever find. I believe this. Completely.
Why do you fell like you must punish yourself? Why do you feel like you don’t deserve this life? I’m learning – it was me, yet it wasn’t just me. Your inner child hurts, has so much trauma, needs you to get help. That’s the part of you that’s running. The part of you that’s somehow convinced this was best.
As I sucked at no contact – I don’t have as much to say. I said a lot. There’s always the little things tho. Like hey, did you watch this show. The thought of going sledding and acting like kids. Wishing we could go to the brewery like a normal Sunday night. Discussing random news I happen across. Discussing the article you posted on poverty and sports. Telling what the kids have said – that Alex is moving his stuff out and we can change his room to an office or something. I can’t say any of it tho. That’s too far. I can’t keep texting and calling. So I keep it to myself. Silently, trying not to cry.
Another day is over. Another night is here. I’ll just be praying you figure it out. That’s my only prayer. Before it’s too late.
Tomorrow – I’m not reaching out without an emergent reason. Tuesday too. Silence. I’m doing it. It’ll be okay. It’ll hurt. But I need you to miss me. I need you to realize this dumb. I need you to want me. Or I simply need to break this addiction to you. And calling or texting every day. It’s helping.
I still love you and miss you so much. Will there ever come a day I don’t?