Grief Circle
She left this world for the next.
She’s gone. I’ve started this entry more than once. Yet, I haven’t finished it. Writing it down. Saying it. Finishing it. That makes it real. Then she’s really gone. Forever. They’re really gone. Forever. My heart aches. How do you say goodbye to someone who’s been with you for your whole damn li...
Drifter
I'm so stupid. I asked his family, "Have some audios of JB playing two separate skibidi songs, do you want them? To be clear, they are toilet songs. He said he had a gift for them." Why did I do it? I feel so stupid. I haven't handled any of this properly, and it's just...…
One year ago was IVF Transfer Week
A year ago…. I knew this week would be hard but I hadn’t anticipated to literally constantly be thinking “one year ago today”. Yet, here I am. Thinking about the past. Wishing for a different future. One year ago today I was just arriving at my hotel after getting the only speeding ticket of my&h...
Is it Wrong to Mourn?
I find it really hard to mourn for someone who has not been in my life for so long. I mean we dated, then became friends, dated again off and on for years. He got married and I got married. He had kids, but we remained friends. Then last month almost a week after he…
Annabelle’s Due Date Today – Instead, 28 weeks without her.
Today. Today hits like a freight train. So did yesterday. The day before it. The two weeks before those. I knew it would hurt. I knew my soul would feel mind-crushing pain. Yet, I didn't know that mind-crushing pain would be so freaking deep. So hard. With the date we assumed we'd have to in...
2.17.24
How is it that someone who didn't yet exist is the most devastating force in one's life? He forced you into me, then forced you out. If things hadn't ended so violently, where would we be? I, indeed, would have left him, aware that I couldn't battle his demons while protecting you. We'd be rentin...
If I stay busy I won’t be sad, right?
It's been awhile since I've taken the time to sit down and process my thoughts and feelings through my diary, but my therapist recommended I take some time to do that as I approach the anniversary of losing Sam so here I am... 1/31/24 will mark 3 years of life without my son. I spend…
11w6d – No heartbeat. Miscarriage beginning.
She’s gone. Just like that. I’ve spent countless weeks worried I’d lose her. Convincing myself with each week that went by we were getting safer. Begging my paranoia to let me enjoy my pregnancy and my sweet girl. I was so excited to hit 12 weeks Wednesday. To accomplish that milestone. To know w...
lovers lost
Does it ever get easier? Does the heartache ever stop? Do the memories of them fade? She and I met at 22 and 20, respectively. We dated for 4 years and we’re engaged for 1.5 years before my future came crashing down. We called off our engagement and split. The relationship wasn’t perfect, but she...
Every time I get excited about something, it gets taken away.
I’ve been wondering why every time I get excited over something, it gets taken away. Like last weekend, I manifested to get new clients last week and to finally get my first bridal client. A day after I tried to manifest it, a friend called to set an appointment with me for his friend who…