Grief Circle
Already May
It’s already May. How did it get here so fast? How is it already nearly half over? Time is going too fast. We are almost at a year without Kira. An entire year. I think about her often. She was living her last days a year ago. Yet, she had no idea. She was hoping…
Just Missing K & Rambling
I miss her. Somedays worse than others. We are getting close to 11 Months. Close to a year. It isn’t fair. It’s not. She’s still here though. I know she is. The little signs. I was sitting here minutes ago. Looking at the “Out of the Darkness” Walk for Suicide Awareness. Making plans in my…
Drowning in Grief & Anxiety
Hi, Guys. I'm just trying out a new place to vent.. I don't really like to talk to people I know very much because, to be truthful, it feels like no one understands or even cares to. I have been through more than most people, even double my age, in my 24 years of life.…
Visits in a Dream
It’s been so long since I had a dream with him in it. Honestly, I can’t remember the last times. They’re always similar tho. Ending in a hug that feels so real. I woke this morning from one of those real, vivid dreams. He’d been gone in the Navy and was due home. Why the…
The man who helped kill Steve – Returns.
My youngest is officially 17. How insane is that. The time has went way too fast. If I read back to 2004 when I started this I was so tired, struggling to badly and older kids seemed a million years away. Yet, here we are - Less than a year and he’ll be 18. I’ll…
Cleaning & Valentines Day
Cleaning. Cleaning helps my anxiety and helps me feel like I’m regaining some form of control in this world. Thus, I cleaned like an insane person for a good chunk of the day. Just the downstairs room my daughter has been staying in. Taking out my grandsons things to wash so he can use them.…
Funeral. Now life simply resumes.
Just like that, it’s over. The hard, awful week. Her funeral was today. I feel overall it went well. As well as a funeral can go. It’s the aftermath I’m scared of. The feuding over who gets what. Who goes where. How these teenagers will continue to be raised. The pain that will still exist…
Heart Shattering Hugs, Covid Death.
Those soul crushing hugs. They kill me. The ones where you can feel the literal pain of the person you’re hugging. The sobs coming from the deepest part of their soul. The death grip, like if they let go they will fall into all the pain they are releasing. It’s the kind of hug you…
Anger into a Purpose
Still stumbling daily through this thing we call life. As always - Where to begin? I haven’t written lately. It’s easier to just ignore the world. Pretend none of it’s there. Take a break. Be me. Laying in bed. Angry. As always. I decided it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair he keeps taking things from...
So hard – More details – Can’t function.
Some nights hurt so bad I was to claw my body apart. I want to take out my heart. Take out any organ that produces emotion. I want to simply die. Be done. I just want the pain to stop. I know it’s a panic attack. I know if I keep breathing it’ll get better.…