a deadmau5 in my ears.
I have recently discovered the wonder that is deadmau5. I haven’t been able to stop listening – can’t believe I went this long without knowing his music existed. At least I know about it now and can have fun playing catch up 🙂
The Suboxone continues to work it’s magic. My only complaint is that B has been sleeping a lot more than normal…although the prescribing dr did say it would make him sleepy. When I’m battling my frustration I tell myself sleep is the best thing for him right now – his body is resetting after 9+ years of chemical abuse. I am more than capable of taking care of Squeak by myself…I don’t know why that’s more frustrating than taking care of her myself when he’s out working. Strange psychology, that.
A recent development in my own little corner of self is a sudden intense desire to become more than a hobbyist with my photography. Right now, I have a Canon Rebel xTi and the EF-S 18-55mm that came with it – I bought these in 2007, just before I graduated with my degree in Psychology. I have done a few engagement sessions & weddings for extended family but aside from that I haven’t really done anything more serious with it. I’m not sure why I suddenly want to now…but I do know it’s something I find satisfying and fun. The process of capturing images and post-processing is an intense pleasure, and my creative side is devouring this and clamoring loudly for more. The next big thing I have coming up is flying down to SATX and photographing my aunt’s wedding. I will even be renting a different lens and a flash – something I’ve never done before. The lens I have picked out is an L-series…something tells me this will be a lot like renting a super nice car and being sad that I have to return it after the rental period is done.
What I’m trying to determine is what direction I want to go with this. Generally speaking I like to be around people and interact with them. Before my MDD surfaced in late 2001 I was outgoing and never had a problem talking to new people. I got on Zoloft and that created an emotional flatline – I didn’t sink into horrible lows but neither did I experience any happiness or even contentment in my daily life. Not to mention that I discovered after my marriage that Zoloft is the antithesis of libido. So, I switched to Welbutrin and OH MY GOSH I LOVED IT. I feel that Welbutrin allows me a greater range of emotion within the confines of what I feel is a normal range for me, particularly when it comes to the good feelings. I once explained it to my mom like this – on Zoloft, I can eat a favorite candy and feel nothing about it. With Welbutrin, I experience an enjoyment when eating that candy that’s almost exuberant.
It’s weird I’d use that analogy since I don’t eat candy much. But perhaps that lent itself to making my point.
In any case, now that I’m back on Welbutrin (I was off of it for my entire pregnancy and for a little over a year after my daughter was born) I am finding again my natural desire to interact with and be around people. I like the idea of portrait photography, although I don’t have a studio or any reasonable means to procure one at the moment, so I’d have to do strictly location shoots. This doesn’t bother me though, since I enjoy (for the most part) being outdoors. One of the biggest things holding me back though is my belief that I’m not good enough to charge people yet. The couple of engagement sessions & weddings I have done have been "pro bono" so to speak, because they were for family and I felt it was a good way to build up my portfolio. I don’t have the means to go back to school to get a degree in photography, although I feel the main benefit of that is mostly having constant access to constructive criticism, which I can probably find online in any number of forums. I had one photography class in high school and everything else has been pretty much me feeling my way around in the dark until I find the light switch. Does it mean more that way? Everyone learns differently. I think I am doing okay this way. As far as the money thing goes, I don’t plan on having to support my family with it – my husband is a fully capable and independent person who feels strongly that he should have a part in supporting our family. Something part-time would probably be viable, if I ever feel like I can brave the business math aspect of it.
Math and I have never been friends.
Geometry and I were cool, but that’s because Geometry is both math’s and art’s cousin.
Anyway. Just some musings. I do have a blog set up, if any readers of mine (what are there, like maybe 2 of you? haha) care to have a look.
This has been a relatively happy post…a change of scenery for you, I guess. =)