367.

He uses you now like I’m sure he did then. It hits hard and fast and I want to scream. I want to make the illusion shatter and let him burn in the fires he deserves. It’d be so easy.

It would be so fucking easy to destroy him. I wonder if that was what I have always been planning for.

But I don’t. Because I would also be caught up in the flames. Because I’m a coward. Just like he always said I was.

But you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve to become the pretty picture he displays in his calculated grab for sympathy and absolution. Just like his mother. Withering helpless women he can dangle to remind us all how he’s such the victim.

I’m so sorry for what I said. I know I’ve apologized before, in other places. I know we’ve made our peace and found a bond in the darkest of places inside of his shadow. But I can’t find those apologies now and I hate that he can get away with this. With using you.

Using your death for political gain.

I’m so, so sorry. I wish I was brave enough to speak for you now. But I’m not. He doesn’t have any hold over me anymore, but I can’t let them know that he ever did. I’m ashamed of what he once made me.

And I know he did the same to you. I know you died believing he was the world’s salvation. Because that’s what he did. I hope you were happy in that belief. I was, once. And maybe it would have been better to stay that way. Maybe I wish I never left that place you left for me.

God. I’m so fucking sorry.

December 9, 2010

279.

You took away the best thing this world had. Destroyed the light and hope with a single action. I don’t want to hate you, I don’t want to blame you, but I can’t get rid of this feeling. He had more good and more brilliance inside of him, that only grew with every obstacle, and you killed it all the moment you wrote that name. I never knew you but I hate you so much for this. I don’t think he will ever come back. And the world is going to suffer because of it.

Is this what you wanted?