A Colorless Sunset

“You weren’t just a star to me. You were my whole damn sky.”

—Unknown

It’s days and times like this that make life absolutely suck.  Life, at least for me, sucks right now.  Life sucks big time. 

I’m down.  I’m sad.  I’m hurt.  I’m in the dumps.  I’m not depressed, but I know if this pain continues and becomes more intense, that’s exactly where I’m headed.  The goal is to not continue in this downward spiral, but I will admit that I am not feeling well at the moment. 

Just the act of coming up with different ways to say that I’m sad has proven to be very taxing. 

Serena and I effectively “broke up” today.  “Broke up” is the best phrase I can come up with to describe what happened to us today.  We were never really “together” in the traditional sense, but we were about as close to two people could be without being a definitive couple. 

As I wrote about in a previous entry, she had effectively walked away from me some weeks ago, without ever saying a word.  She just up and left.  Didn’t say a damn thing to me.  I called her out on it.

Today, I guess you could say, was the final curtain call, which we performed in-person.  She wanted to meet up today, so that we could converse face-to-face and officially close things on our relationship.  I know I said “we”, but if I’m being honest here, it was really all her.

I never wanted this to end, as far as completely severing ties and ending the connection we had.  She had some things going on in her life that led her to make this decision and in the end, I had no choice but to just deal with the aftermath of her decision to end what we had and battle through the pain that current hovers over my skies and threatens to strangle my heart.

I told her that I don’t want her to leave.  I want her to remain a part of my life.  I told her that we developed such a strong and intense connection, one that I would prefer not to walk away from. 

I told her that I still love her.

I do.  With all my heart. 

In the end, this was not enough for her to reconsider keeping me around.  So, she effectively walks away from me and everything that we had. 

I don’t want to say that she didn’t “fight” for us because I know that this decision weighed very heavily on her. 

Still, the pain and torment linger. 

I lose a friend.  Not just a friend really, but someone I regarded as my best friend, though truthfully, words can’t begin to define or describe just exactly what she is and what she means to me.

Yes, current tense, not past tense. 

Being the eternal optimist that I am, I hold out hope that maybe one day, she and I will rekindle what we had, even if this rekindling entails that certain changes be implemented. 

In the meantime, I know where I’ll be and it won’t be good.  I will again close myself off to people, fearful to open up to anyone.  I will return to my strong introverted ways and avoid people to the best of my ability.  Darkness will be my normal for the foreseeable future.  My laugh and smile will disappear. 

This whole situation fucking sucks and I hate that it all happened. 

It’s more devastating for me because I didn’t want to see it happen.  Deep down, I know that she didn’t either.