…Brokenhearted

NOTE: I wrote this entry last night, but due to an internet outage, I wasn’t able to post it until today.  

I just wasn’t feeling good this weekend.  I guess those are going to happen from time to time.  I think the goal is to not have them occur frequently.  The problem is that I can’t always control when I’ll have a good weekend and when I won’t.

I didn’t too much today.  The temperatures outside played some role in that, though it didn’t stop me entirely from venturing outside into the world.  I will admit that how I was feeling inside also had a lot to do with my motivation to want to do anything, but I tried.  As was the case yesterday, I just wasn’t feeling it today.

Throughout the course of my brief travels today, I was out in the world and I just so happened to hear this song below.  Who would’ve thought?  I know I sure didn’t.  I didn’t plan it.  I don’t know why this song happened to come on and I was in the immediate vicinity to not only hear it, but to almost recognize it within seconds.

It was this song that I had in my head when I “penned” the entry, “What Becomes Of The…”.  Never anticipated that I would have had the song play the way it did, at least not without my doing, but it happened.  Put me in a weird spot, a spot that I didn’t want to be hurled into.  Sometimes I’d rather just run from my feelings and not deal with them.

Thanks to that song, here I am, being forced to deal with and confront my feelings…my feelings about her and the current situation in which we find ourselves.  As is always the case, I can only speak for myself and what I’m experiencing.  Here goes, in what I would refer to as a whirlwind of emotions.

I am hurt.  I miss her.  I still love her.  I wish things could be different between us, but this is not up to me.  In some way, I’m on the outside looking in.  I have zero say in what is going on here.  I am helpless.

Powerless.  I’m stuck.  Like in mud.  Quicksand even.  There’s nothing I can do, even if I wanted to.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  The most I can do is write and put my feelings out there, in writing.  For seemingly all to see.  Including me.

At this point, I’ll just sort of roll with the punches and see what happens.  You see, I can’t readily send her text messages.  I can’t call her.  I can’t readily see her because I don’t know if she would want to see me.  My heart says that she would absolutely love that, to see me.  My brain says otherwise.  We know where to find each other, most of the time.  Our paths could easily cross.  I guess you could say that I’m fearful.  Reluctant.  Hesitant.  Conflicted.  There’s a lot going on inside.  Heart.  Brain.  Pancreas (yes, I’m still diabetic – maybe a feeble attempt to be funny).  But yes, there’s a lot going on.

I don’t know.  I know I’ll be all right.  I hope.  I think?

I just don’t know when that’ll be, so until then, I wander aimlessly.  Just dealing with these feelings.  It sucks, this whole situation.

It fucking sucks.