Today’s Phone Call, Part 1?

I often find myself in the midst of conversations that have me conflicted.  Sometimes I want to speak to these people.  There are other times where I don’t.  Indeed, my introvert tendencies are alive and well. 

I don’t know from exactly where that sort of thinking originates, but I think it has something to do with the extent to which I think, in going into the conversation, that they have something meaningful or worthwhile to tell me.  I tend to keep things simple sometimes and there are instances where I will allow myself to be on the phone with someone, even if it is just to hear their voice.

That just so happened to be the case with her earlier this morning. 

After about nearly two and a half weeks of silence (intentionally on her part), she decides that she needed to call me this morning. 

Was the in the middle of some kind of crisis?  Maybe. 

Did she suddenly need to talk to me right then and there, even though she had admittedly steered clear of me for nearly three weeks?  Perhaps. 

Was I going to hear her out regardless?  Apparently I was, because that’s exactly what I did. 

We were on the phone for an hour and 26 minutes. 

One tends not to spend that much time on the phone with someone if they genuinely don’t want to be.  I suppose a part of me was interested in what she had to tell me.  Another part of me maybe wanted to hear her voice.  Regardless of reason, I was on the phone with her for 86 minutes.  At this point, it would be very dumb of me to say anything along the lines of, “I had no interest in talking to her”.  Doing so wouldn’t even be funny, so I wouldn’t bother going that route either.  Yes, I wanted to talk to her.             

As I’m trying to replay the entire conversation in my head, as I do, I can’t even narrow the conversation down to any one particular point or specific idea of interest.

We just spoke, while the other listened.  We listened as the other spoke.  In that regard, it was a fruitful conversation as far as civil exchanges go, because I know that during our previous and recent conversations, at least by text message, we didn’t say anything of substance and seemingly argued about dumb stuff.  I’ve told her this before too, but there are times when I don’t think she gets it. 

I hate arguing with her.    

During this morning’s call, we didn’t attack each other.  I tried to explain to her that I was not happy with her with the way she had treated me some three weeks earlier.  My intent was never to attack her, belittle her, or hurt her feelings in any way, like she did to me.  What I did tell her is that while I would never make fun of her as a person, I would always look to criticize her actions and behaviors, should those need to be called out.  She might never be a shitty person to me, but the way she acts sometimes?  Yeah, her behavior can be shitty all day long and I don’t have any problem with calling her out on it. 

We also had another talk about vulnerability and I told her again that I hated being that way around her sometimes.  She admitted that she was calling me this morning, knowing that she was going to allow herself to be vulnerable around me.  The last thing I was going to do was attack her and otherwise make her feel that she can’t be vulnerable around me.  I wanted to create a calm, welcoming environment for her, even though a part of me didn’t feel that she deserved it.  The negative side of me doesn’t always win and I know that I’m capable of fighting back that part of me.      

If I’m being honest here, I just think she wanted to hear my voice.  Sure, the accompanying words were probably nice too, but it was the voice that she wanted.  I’m convinced. 

I don’t know if we apologized and came to an understanding that we’re “good” again.  Our call ended abruptly at that 86-minute mark, so maybe we’re not talking about it. 

As I write this, I’m hoping that we talk again, but as I’ve also learned before, I would be best served not having any expectations. 

I suppose I’ll just have to see what happens.