Ain’t Gonna Waste My Hate…

… I think I’ll save it for myself.

You’re not seeing things. I’m actually quoting MetallicA. For the first time in a long, long time. I was in a metal mood and I wanted to hear something that was at least half as angry as I was. Eager to listen to anything that would give me a venue to rant and vent, I dusted off the MetallicA CD’s, tossed them into the stereo. With Ethan off for Daycare and me all alone at the house… I cranked the volume up to eleven and just let it rip. For the last few hours, I’ve been cleaning house and putting all this raw energy to some good use. The kitchen is clean on a molecular level, and I’m attacking one room at a time, and when Leag gets home… she’ll get an idea of how steamed I was when the house is cleaner than she’s ever seen it, at least when I’m doing the cleaning.

I’ve basically been angry since yesterday when Leah took it upon her to inform me while I was work that her bosses again fucked her over and took 90% of her first paycheck to pay for Ethan’s daycare. I had the understanding that we would no longer be charged, so the news that we will have little or no funds this week didn’t fall on me rather well. I was livid… and angry beyond words. Let me put it this way, the last time I got this infuriated, this enraged, someone got their ass kicked. I was so incensed, so irritated… that I signed out (saying I wasn’t feeling well) and left work. There was no way I could go back on the phones being that upset. I talked to Lisa who was incharge of the floor that night, and she apprecaited that I was willing to know this and step back rather than put myself or the company in a bad position. I might get a warning or something else for walking out of my shift that would have been nothing compared to if I had stayed and blew my top during a call. The lesser of two evils.

I then went home. Leah and I had a heated exchange, but after making some more phone calls… her bosses apologized and said that it was an ‘accounting error’ and that it would be fixed the next day. But that wasn’t enough. I wanted to kick someone’s ass. I wanted to hit a batting cage. Tis a shame there are not on the island. Anyone who has tried to talk to me in the last 24 hours has gotten it back tenfold. I am just super pissed off and ready to confront anyone at the first possible chance. Leah knew this and we didn’t talk for the rest of the night and I slept on the couch.

This morning is just more or less the same. I’m still upset, but was starting to finally settle down when someone had the nerve, the gall, the outright balls to step on my toes. Ethan’s bus showed up to pick him up fifteen minutes early. I was just putting Ethan’s shoes on and I didn’t have my own on when the fucking asshole started beeping the horn on numerous occassions. I couldn’t find my shoes, and walked out to the street (over stone and glass) in my bare feet and when I got out to the van I was again at my boiling point. Tones were harsh, four letter words were exchanged, and I put that bus driver in his place. If you show up early, you beep once and you fucking wait! After Ethan was strapped in, I gave the driver the meanest glare I could give and slammed the door with authority before walking back into the building. The next thing I did was hit the phone and dial up the manager of the daycare that takes care of Ethan, and spent ten minutes telling off the driver’s boss, telling her that this was unacceptable, and for the fucking money we’re paying that asshole will fucking wait and I will bring Ethan to the fucking bus when I am good and fucking ready. I think she got the point.

Then I spent the last four hours cleaning this appartment from top to fucking bottom, with MetallicA blaring on the stereo at top levels. I don’t give a fuck about my neighbors, anyone. I’m gonna go for a walk when I finish cleaning up. I only got a few more things after I finish this entry. I got six hours until Ethan and Leah get home. That’s more than enough time to cool down. It’s been over ten years since I’ve been this angry. Hopefully it will be another decade before this kind of outburst occurs again… but no promises for now.

Peter