Pretend the long gap in entries doesn’t exist

wow, it has all gone topsy turvy.

This weekend was meant to be super-good. We’d made plans which is something we never do, we were both approaching it as a big exciting thing, it was going to be a big "i’ve finished 12 days in a row in a job i detest" celebration.

And it started off good.

Really good.

I can’t remember the last time i arrived on a Friday night and was actually in a good mood and able to joke and play about.

But i did.

And Saturday day was good.

And then i had a bit of a wobble on saturday evening, and went quiet and ended up cutting myself.

And then come Sunday, he was breaking up with me.

It was like some kind of cruel revenge for me daring to look forward to something or be happy.

And i cried and cried, and that was holding myself back so as not to create too much of a scene too.

We talked about it though, and i dont think we really have broken up, but i think we are walking on exta-thin eggshells at the moment.

I can’t even understand well enough why to put it into words, but the one most upsetting thing he has said throughout has been today. He told me that his friends only talk to their gf/bf for 10 minutes a night and he thought that was a good idea. I can’t quite elucidate exactly why but that is the most hurtful thing i have heard in a long long time.

Anyway, what can i tell you in conclusion? I still detest every second of my job and it’s only going to get worse next week when the rota changes. There is a potential nightmare brewing in my flat where i’m either going to get kicked out or end up having to pay 3 people’s rent. And I can’t talk to my boyfriend for more than 10 minutes without him losing patience with me and wanting to get away. And food is completely out of control. I’m not eating out of bins yet (think i’m joking?), but it’s getting pretty bloody close.

I would like some help now please. Is that clear enough for you? I am very, very tired.

I feel like i’m teetering on this edge of not really coping but not NOT coping either, and i’m just wondering which way i’m going to fall.