A Little Drunk

I’m a little drunk. Not enough to make a difference, really, but maybe enough to make me honest. It’s crazy what comes flooding into your head when you allow yourself to be honest. Like how I knew this would happen, knew this would happen months ago, weeks before he told me the truth, as well as all the months after when I hid my silent tears. I can’t even bring myself to admit it out loud, for fear of seeming girly or dumb. If he leaves I will cry so hard. Alone, and silently, but so hard. I haven’t let myself love in so long. But I love him. I really do, or at least I did. Maybe he doesn’t believe that. Maybe he doesn’t see how I could love him and do what I did. I don’t know why, seeing as how he’ll never know how to love me back, and that’s why I chose to leave him behind. I’m moving on, if only because I guess I just gave up. A girl can only try so hard without getting any feedback. When Wonderwoman is suddenly more important than me, and he’s in my thoughs every single day, it’s a wee bit painful. But just a bit. Because I saw this coming, I knew what I was getting myself into when this started, and no breakup comes without pain. I talk to his friends just for some small hope of a glimpse into his life. Lord knows I don’t have the strength to talk to him directly anymore. Not after the ice-storm he threw my way, how fucking cold his voice can be when he’s half a country away. Part of me wants to say “I told you so,” and part of me knows that I’m the only one who gets this, this craziness that is my mind, that is the emotions that I can only think, not feel. I’m moving on, but to what? To the man I always wished he could be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m finally happy, for the first time in years…I just wish he could see how much he has to give. He has so much to give. So much. I wanted my kiss to make a difference, to mean something to him. But I suppose it will be up to the next girl to decide if he loves or if his heart remains forever dead.

i wish he understood sometimes.
he never will, which is why i’m moving on.
but i wish he understood…
all i needed was a little love.