the madness/broken open

comin in hot…

lol it’s been 2 months since i’ve written. a lot has changed. i think i’m gonna start an insta that will be private and will be about my life. like a true. honest. look at my life. in photos and videos. and everything.

i started it. it’s private. it’s @jenniferlynnryals. and it’s totally private.

i wanted to write an entry right now about this awakening i’m having. i’m seeing through people more than before. and having more confidence to say. giving myself permission to see what’s real. i’m seeing through joe’s shit and kristina’s shit mostly. i’ve been watching these black fatigue videos and i think they’re triggering me to be frustrated FOR the people in the video. cause the people in the video –who are being black, obnoxious, arrogant, and violent, and LOUD..did i mention LOUD –remind me of colleen. and i empathize with the people around them having to deal with them–whether that’s law enforcement or whatever else.

i’ve just really been thinking lately. i’ve been spending all my time with myself. i’m the best company. ever.

that’s the other thing that’s been going on lately is what they’re calling black fatigue– which is just people being sick of black people acting out/acting a fool/being loud and violent for zero reason. i’ve been tired of people of color acting different, loud, and obnoxious for a long ass time. when i was in grade school/elementary school, i can remember the few black kids (cause this was naples, fl in the 1980’s, it was still nice. and white.) not wanting to do the exercise things we were doing and little black girl said, “i can act out and do this, but you can’t. i won’t get in trouble, but you would.” and she was 100% correct. the white teenagers and and ladies didn’t want trouble and they knew that repromanding the black girl would cause more trouble for them. i think it was a family with cousins. they were a nuisance all through elementary school when i was in this after school program.

living here with joe gets more and more uncomfortable. day before yesterday i said something to him about giving me some space and not commenting on everything i’m doing. before i could even say what i wanted to say, he said, “oh you know what…..” and started talking over me. saying something about not giving hugs to me anymore. he said it like he needs to be praised for behaving like a halfway normal person and not obsessing over me. it’s such backwards thinking. like if i live here, we need to have meals together, …. he basically wants another WE situation, he says that ALL THE TIME. WE don’t like. WE like this weather. WE we WE. i get so tired of hearing it.

even at this moment, he chooses to believe i just don’t ever wanna be touched by anyone at any time, instead of accepting the idea that I’m not interested in him.

this level of narcisism is nuts. and i’ve really been thinking lately…why doesn’t he have any relationship with his grandkids. he doesn’t go visit. his daughter doesn’t bring them down. i’m so confused. he seems to not even know the older kids names. i guess he didn’t agree with this marraige, but that doesn’t explain much. she’s clearly a drunk who calls her daddy every night. her husband is older than her father. like, how is calling your dad gonna help you every day? and why is joe so broke now? i’m not using any of his money now. he gets paid like 2200 the second wednesday of the month. rent is 1300 or so. they split it up, but he wouldn’t even need that.

he’s been waiting for duke energy to send him a final notice so the catholic church will help him. but he hasn’t been checking. and now suddenly, he got an email from duke saying the power is being shut off monday. what an idiot! if it’s shut off, i won’t be able to work. he doesn’t seem to get this. he has literally nothing else to do. he just mopes around about me all day. get over it dude.

his relationship with rebecca is weird, and then there’s james, who is a nut case. like, for real for real. puzzle factory tpya shit. he’s online with fake IV’s and jello blood clots. i mean, he has lost it. it makes me think. did he even know claudia? maybe that’s why she drank and took pills. i’m not trying to blame anyone for someone else’s addiction. but……. he has hydro 5’s and he’s already trying to get something stronger. he’s been on them less than a year. he shouldn’t even be on them. he’s having nerve pain, which is from diabetes, which he doesn’t take care of, and doesn’t connect the dots. –that every time you pick up a brownie and put it to your face, you are creating MORE nerve pain in your legs nigga–