gotta get this out somewhere

hi. i frequent reddit and kept getting the urge to make posts about personal problems or experiences but there’s too much there that could link back to my personal life so I’m trying this.

i am a woman in my 30s who found out a year ago that i have adhd. low on the h, high on the d. classic case of a smart kid who was decent at a wide range of skills/topics but never really applied themselves to excel at anything in particular. lots of procrastination. quirky. forgetful. the more i learned about the effects of adhd, the more i felt less like a person and more like a ball of symptoms and coping mechanisms. i did get a bachelors degree but i had to take a full years worth of re-takes. barely got by with a gpa high enough to graduate and maxed out the amount of federal loans i can take because it took my so long to get through college. but i did it. took a job in my field in which i was a supervisor to 3/4 others and this is when my symptoms really started giving me trouble. see, i can manage this crap on my own. switching how i do things or track tasks or the software i want to use to do it or constantly changing the spreadsheet i use to improve a process or just to try something new….i can do all of that on my own without it impacting any one else. but when i was in charge of creating processes for a team and for training people on these processes…it really started to dawn on me that i couldn’t really function that way all the time. i had to slow down and really think things through before i presented them as the “new way” we’d be doing the thing. my boss encouraged me and, honestly, i loved it. changing everything for the better. bringing a paper dependent department into the 2020s. i really, really enjoyed creating organization and learning new ways to manage. but the company i worked for is in the south and the cfo, who i worked fairly close with, went full-on Q and was bringing those beliefs with her into company policy. so i found a wfh job at a company i had hoped to stop the leading and training and maybe be led and trained for a while.

i am used to being one of the most tech-savvy people where i work and showing others how to use software more efficiently or learning programs faster than others, that doesn’t bother me. what is freaking bothering me is that i came to work for a company that advertises themselves as an online based organization that is the best at what they do. and they are the best at the field they specialize in, but they are not organized or efficient enough for my taste and now i’m in a position in which i have LESS control of improvements and process changes and good god. BUT i am being pushed to learn other  things, which is what i wanted. i just was hoping for more guidance and mentorship. i have spent the last 3 years deciding how to do things and researching and typing out tutorials and training on things. i just want someone to give me a god damn clear set of instructions for once like i did for my team. why the hell would any one think that the way you train someone is to give them a set of login information, a vague instruction on what buttons to click and then set them on their way.

so what im starting to realize in this situation with my adhd is that i depend highly on not having to remember most things. like, i type up instructions for myself to follow with clear notes, troubleshooting, passwords, due dates, headings, tables, arrows, blah blah blah. i do this immense amount of work while i’m learning to create a resource for myself and to ensure that i understand everything about the task/process to the fullest. eventually, i will never look at that set of notes again, but when it’s time to train someone else all i have to do is update those notes for process changes and their life is 100x easier than mine was when i learned it. ALSO i can see holes in processes pretty easily and like to plan ahead for them instead of depending on remembering that oh yeah that’s a thing when it happens later. ALSO i don’t like to settle on good-enough.  god damn just take the extra time to learn it right, improve how you do it, and save yourself time and frustration and corrections later. so this gives me a sense of no one will do things as well as me. and i freaking hate that. not only because it arrogant as hell, but because i put all this pressure on myself to do everything myself to ensure it gets done right but fuck i would rather feel overwhelmed now and get it done right than feel overwhelmed later AND annoyed with someone else when i have to fixed or find an error that would have been avoided had they taken an extra second to not do the care minimum. see that? i am an asshole but i wish someone would prove me wrong more often lol.

so i have been asked to join a few teams to create processes for this new software the new company i work for is using and its really becoming obvious to me that i way overthink things. like a lot. and again, alone this is fine and it creates well thought-out plans and practices. but in a group where my though processes are said outloud and require me to explain my reasoning to other people…wow. i feel like a god damned psycho. i wish i could articulate myself in a way that relayed the issue i have with something or why i think we should include this extra step or detail. i just want them to let me play with it and get it right and then be like here do this its better.

i’m growing. i will be better for this. and am just struggling right now to feel worthy and valuable.

my husband is a dick. i gained 10 lbs since starting to work from home full time. my son is home-schooling (through a public school program, i am not responsible for planning his shit too) and i don’t have the patience or time to help him like he needs but he’ll be getting his second vax dose in 2 weeks and then he heads back to in-school learning in january. phew.

ok. i do feel a little better now. like i realligned my goals again and oh yeah im switching meds tomorrow. i hope that goes well. gotta remember to pay the elec bill tomorrow or it will be shut off monday. because i forgot about it. gotta get groceries. gotta get toilet paper. gonna drink the rest of the champagne my husband got me before he flipped his switch this morning. hopefully i remember that i created this account and do this again soon. i think this could be good for me. but i also thought i’d do yoga twice a day when started wfh. we’ll see,

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November 19, 2021

Welcome to OpenDiary 🙂 I started on here a couple of months and it’s a wonderful community. I’m glad you’re here and I look forward to more entries from you!

November 19, 2021

Hey there! *nods* I’m Sammy, and I have ADHD too… high on the H though… that’s good that you got your bachelor’s. I didn’t finish school, I hated high school and college was a bit too much for me. I did meet my bestie there though — in college about a quarter of a century ago now!