my lips aren’t moving

fusion may have lost finals this week but they’re still #1 in my heart

reading: pride & prejudice (again)
watching: joe zieja’s golden deer vods
listening: love ain’t no billy goat
obsession: knitting (again)

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this week has been marginally better than the last. it’s still hard for me to get out of bed but i’ve been better about keeping the kitchen clean and i did some laundry, and i have a zoom interview for a job tomorrow morning. it would be part time work, but work is work and money is money, ya dig? (capitalism is a curse)

i talked about anna with my mom yesterday and i feel a lot better about the lingering issues i have with that whole situation, if in part because other bullshit is more important rn but still! progress is progress. there’s a laura marling lyric that goes “i’m clearing all the crap out of my room, trying desperately to figure out what it is that makes me blue” and i feel like talking about things with angela has jump-started the process of mentally cataloging the crap in my head and clearing it out, trying to figure out what things are hindering me. the amount of processing i’ve done about anna over the last two weeks is like the real world equivalent of finally opening the box full of your ex’s stuff you kept after the breakup and throwing it all out. maybe soon we’ll get around to taking care of bronwen’s and mando’s boxes.

speaking of mando, i finally just,, broke my own heart to save myself further anguish and gave up on being a paris fan. which sounds super melodramatic but a lot of my friends are overwatch league people and to cut myself out of a community of my own volition when i wanted to support that team but can no longer deal with the constant metaphorical-dick sucking the community at large does for mando is just like,,,, i can’t. i can’t anymore. she lied about me, she lied about gabby, she tried to ruin my friendships, tried to make gabby, tracy, and me unwelcome in the community, she still supports the dude that harassed tracy and me last year, and the official org twitter is hyping her up and i can’t look at it. the whole babecord group is still trying to fucking heal from all her bullshit and she just won’t go away. there’s an old vine of this girl screaming into a mason jar, putting the lid on it, and then saying “it’s fine,” and that’s my whole mood about this. well that and “everybody gets tireedddd, but specifically today i’m just tired of you. FUCK”

andrew and i had a long talk about my weird hangups with food, and making it, and food schedules, and i feel like i should talk about this with angela but i don’t think i’m ready to do that,, which is unfortunate but there we are.

i’ve been watching costuming youtube stuff recently and i really want to get into handsewing but also i don’t have the money to invest in fabric so… i don’t know why i felt like any of that was relevant but go off me i guess. having nothing to do but better myself all day means i keep starting projects and abandoning them at a much more rapid rate than usual lmao

anyway. until next week!