i will follow through

lordy lordy i used to be so good at writing consistently and then,, it’s been a literal year. oops.

listening: silo – the altogether
playing: persona 5 royale (again for the second time)
reading: the artemis fowl series, for some reason???
watching: poko doing vod reviews
obsession: after dinner coffee/”sick jan,” the jam by chris fleming

i had my first therapy session last week and will have my next one tomorrow, so here’s my attempt to journal as requested by my therapist- hopefully i’ll be able to stick with checking in at least once a week.

The State Of My Mental:

p boomed, honestly. i’ve only applied for like, one entire job and spent the rest of the week trying to pretend like i don’t have, to use a brian david gilbert-ism, a countdown timer til i’m destitute. i’ve heard that the suspension of interest or whatever for student loans is over next month, which is,,, concerning. i have a decent enough nest egg thanks to past me not blowing all my money during the first few months of quarantine but i’ve now missed 2 whole paychecks since being laid off and that’s stressful.

my husband and i just had a bit of a heart to heart where i cried like a baby and he was lovely and understanding while still asking to me to push through all the noise in my head about how i suck, so we’ll be trying to apply for at least one more job before i go to sleep tonight.

(it’s thunderstorming outside and the music + rain combo makes me feel so cozy, even if the surface tension keeping all my little vulnerabilities inside is trying to reform over the raw spots where i’m trying to sabotage myself)

last session my homework was to try to get out of bed earlier, which i succeeded at a few times, failed at a few times, and completely destroyed on saturday when i pulled an all-nighter friday night, talking to aeon for 7 straight hours. like, once again, aeon and i have the ability to just,,, talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, and while it was so great to talk to them significantly for the first time in months, it was very 2012 of me to video chat all night, which wasn’t necessarily a good thing? but i did get to see the sun rise on saturday, which was lovely. i hate getting up early but i love early mornings- 6:00 am and 2:00 am have similar vibes.

aeon and i re-discussed the whole anna/bronwen situation (again for the billionth time) but it was slightly more,, productive maybe? i don’t know. i gave the sparknotes version of me and anna’s history to my therapist because let’s be real, that is still festering deep down in my soul. like how you want to put me on a pedestal as a perfect friend and get mad when i’m a human who makes mistakes,,, imagine getting mad when someone doesn’t fit with your narrative of them.,,,,,

anyway. i’ve been pretty lethargic and inertia-ed this week. next week will be better.

xo