Productive Day but I ache for him

 Today has been a productive day but I did not complete half of what i should have. I mean WTF? The days just fly by and it’s just mad crazy. I have so much Spanish homework and just papers to write…. whatever. I can’t focus on that right now. My mind needs a break. 

i am a confused little person. I don’t even know how to explain it. I am so busy day in and day out and I love what I’m doing and I love this direction my life is taking but there is a ache in my heart where Terrell use to be and I don’t know what to do about that. The thing is, since him I haven’t been with anybody – at least not in a way that really matters. Not even with Jayden’s dad. I miss that. i miss that yearning to be with someone. I miss the act of being in love with someone. Not just anyone. I mean, anybody can get a man. But I don’t just want any man. It has to matter. Because I am too old and too tired and too busy and too focused to spend time with someone just for the sake of spending time with someone.  I’m not looking for a replacement father for Jayden cause god knows as sorry as his ass is, he is still Jayden’s father. I don’t know how to describe this ache in my heart. I miss Terrell. I don’t know what to do about that. There is this dude I have grown up with named "W" but… it just isn’t the same.