email with a friend

I had a friend reach out this week. She and I met up not long ago. I am one of the few friends that knows the pain she’s going through in her relationship. She and I used to be roommates. We went to high school together. I was in her wedding – 20-something years ago! They are really going through it right now. I am glad she’s reaching out. She sent me a text Friday that said “Oh Ryanne. I am just so sad. I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t know how you managed and got through so munch. I’m so lost. My heart just aches. I’m so behind with work. I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. I’m so sad Ryanne. How long will I be so sad?”

I started to text her back and it was turning into such a long response I ended up emailing her instead. It was a little therapeutic and I wanted to share for my own records what I sent.

Oh Elle! My heart absolutely breaks for you. I remember feeling all these feelings. It felt absolutely devastating and it felt like it would last forever. I can tell you it won’t last forever. but it doesn’t make getting through it easy.

I want you to know, I am always here. I am on your side and will support you in any way. Whatever you choose and whenever you choose it. I also love Joe. If you and he have a long future together or if that chapter will close for you, I still love you both. I think it’s important to have people who love you both and won’t judge you for whatever choices you make, that are right for you. Sometimes those choices change, even several times. And that’s okay! I am always going to be that person for you.

Also, what was right for me, may not be right for you. I can only speak from my own experiences. I would never push you to stay or to leave (unless of course, I thought you or the kids were unsafe!) It’s a very personal decision. So whatever I say to follow, please don’t think I have an opinion on WHAT you do. I just think hearing from someone who has shared some similar pain, can be helpful. Whatever you choose, I support you!

I don’t know if I have told you before, or mentioned it recently, but I carried with me for a long time, something your grandmother had told you about marriage. I am summarizing, but I remember when we lived together you shared that she believed marriage was a choice and as individuals, we make the choice everyday to make our marriages work. Essentially, we could choose not to be divorced if we just decided to work on our marriage everyday. I took that advice into my own marriage, and believed as long as I wasn’t being abused, I would always stick it out and make it work. No matter what. Those were my vows. In hindsight, the advice had great value, in that, you DO have to work at marriage (any relationship) for it to be successful! But, I also lost myself in my marriage. Matt never yelled at me. He never hit me. I wasn’t being abused. Therefore, I decided I should make it work. We stopped having sex. Not because I didn’t like sex, but it wasn’t really a thing for him anymore. We became worlds apart on so many political and social issues – or at least how we voiced many of them. We probably never had a lot of shared interests, but where we once could find common ground, or enjoy things for the sake of the other, we just started living seperate lives. But, I was determined to stick it out. In the end, we probably had more of a business relationship – shared home, assets, Aaron, dogs, and a few vacations here and there. Platonic, but comforting in its general stability. I am clearly leaving out all the REALLY low points with his sobriety issues and I am sure I could go one for pages about everything that was missing and wrong.

It really took me being out of it, standing on my own, and especially to have someone as wonderful as Eric in my life, to I guess, show me by comparison, what I had been missing. I know I could have gotten there single, but Eric REALLY made it go faster to see that the end of my marriage wasn’t nearly as devastating as I had built it up to be, since for me, it had died years before.  I was just cohabitating at that point. And not nearly as happy as I was making myself believe I was.

Getting out of the sadness and the hardest parts took a lot of self work. Therapy. Support from friends. (THIS WAS KEY!!!) I tended to keep my issues to myself about my marriage. Kind of the belief that I should mostly share the good, so people didn’t only hear the bad and assume my spouse was bad. I changed this belief, shared my burdens with friends and felt so much better being able to lean on people! A friend, who is a therapist shared this on social media recently, and I had a lightbulb moment! People do like to help! I tend to offer help but not accept it. Now is your time to lean on others!

“ PSA: reaching out for help isn’t a burden, it’s a gift!! Did you know that when you help someone your brain boosts production of not just oxytocin, but dopamine and Seratonin too! (Aka the happiness trifecta). I think my friend explained it perfectly when she recapped my words “by not allowing others to help we deny them those feel good feelings”… yes we do. So stop hogging all the love and reach out for help today. It’s true people might not always be able to, but when we ask we open the doors for connection ”

It also helped me to distract myself from the actual problem. Finding other activities. Keeping busy. And unfortunately, time helped too. Also, a solution. I had to know an end or fix was in sight, and a general timeline. Having a plan didn’t make me skip any of the grief, but I think I didn’t feel as stuck in it. My grief and pain wasn’t and hasn’t been linear either. I STILL have bad days. More so around Matt’s death and associated guilt, than our divorce. I’m not sure if he was still alive if I’d feel some type of way still about the divorce. It’s a weird situation that most people don’t find themselves in – where my grief is now more about his death than the death of our marriage.

Now, if you are choosing staying. That’s almost harder, in my opinion. That’s not to be discouraging at all! Just to be honest. I liken it to my experience staying, with Matt after his sobriety slips or the time he almost died. I don’t mean to compare Joe and Matt, not by a long stretch; the pain and challenges you’ll face are probably somewhat similar. The main difference I see when choosing to stay or leave, is the control (or lack of) that you have over the situation. When you choose to leave, it’s devastating, but you gain back so much control. You get to decide everything about your life, and short of how the kids are impacted (which I recognize I never had to deal with and is hugely significant in your case), you are in complete control at the end. Nothing Joe does in his personal life will impact you any longer. It’s oddly freeing once you get past the pain and horror. When you choose to work it out, you know that you are in it, 100%! You’ll do whatever it takes. You set your boundaries. Communicate your expectations. But he has to do his part. And for a long time, maybe forever, you wonder if he’s hiding something, or if the proverbial shoe will drop again. You live in a state of consistent anxiety and fear. Time lessons it. And if your partner does his work, you can grow back stronger and better. Looking back, I feel like divorce was easier than getting past Matt’s relapses. I am not saying I’d do things differently if I had to to do over. I don’t know that I’d do. Maybe I would do it differently, but for different reasons. I don’t know. I know I gave my marriage my all though. And maybe that’s also why I don’t regret my divorce or feel like a failure because of it.

I could say so much more, but I’m not sure what’s helpful. Your feelings are, unfortunately, completely normal. And expected. I wish I could tell you a shortcut through them. There just isn’t one.  Continue with therapy. If there’s a solution, work towards it. Set your boundaries, whatever they may be, and don’t waiver. Reach out to friends. Lean on us! Be vulnerable. Ask for help. I will hold space for you anytime you need it. I love you so much and I am so sorry you’re hurting.

Love,

Ryanne