I just miss the way Logic used to Feel.

Yet another day looking into the past. The past of what was, and more deeply into the what could have “been”s.
They never talk about how grieving a loss of what could be can turn into anger more stronger than the grief of what was. Because you can at least one day look back to that moment of what was, and happily reflect onto that moment, person, place, and thing.

I can drown myself in the sorrows of what could have been, and how I was just SO close. Yet, the truth is that it would have ended up being just like this one is now. Just trying and trying and trying to make it happen. Like making an idea happen, but then life will take it’s course and present you with something that you are only willing to fight for. For something that only you can see happen, and make happen. All you’ll hear from that other person is the word “no”, and make you wonder what if, the the worlds of the possibilities.

A friend once told me how one of their clients is having an affair and how freely she feels, and my friend gets to hear all the exciting news of how they spend time together and how much happier she is with the affair-ed one. And how much he makes her feel…how she makes her feel alive again. Shit, maybe even for the first time. Then my friend, in a similar boat as I, tells me how she’s been reading this book about love, romance, and I guess a sense of hope of excitement. She tells me how hooked she’s onto it. Can’t wait to hear more about the next moves into the book. She told me the title of it, incase I myself wanted to jump into the pages of a romance novel to feel again.  “Thanks, I’ll have to check it out.” I replied, knowing that I didn’t want to resort myself to living a life between the bound pages of someone else’s imagination. To only feel again in between my two ears, and never again in the case of a true reality.

Sometimes the only way in, is out, they say. Out, out, out.

But what if you’ve been out?

This morning I woke up feeling lost in the way that I am saddened that I only look back into the past to relive any positive moment of who I thought I could possibly be. I felt l missed out on a true opportunity. Like a job you decided to miss out on, for “the great good” or some dumb shit. Because you didn’t want to start anything new, I guess. Also, I realized that it was hard to be truly who I was. But doesn’t it all start like that? Then you someone end up presenting who you are..no, no. I just miss feeling free.

So to cool down, I think back to my friend and her book recommendation. I can’t remember the title, but I can understand the feeling. I read the book The Bridges of Madison County , and wow did that book make me feel free again. Logically I know it’s not a person, place, or thing that shifts your energy into a way you actually want to feel. I know that. Because how can a book be the same as a conversation, action, or being? But we all understand the feelings.