The uncontrollables.

Day 1 of knowing what I want.

I woke up to my dog having a panic episode at 5:45am, which I then was unable to go back to sleep and started my day unhappy, grumpy, and annoyed by 7ish am. Started my day not by choice, but by alarm and realized that if given the opportunity, I would NOT want to go into a salon and work behind the chair after a morning like this.

I had gained 2+ pounds from my last weigh-in, which is frustrating due to having vegetable soup for the past two days for dinner, yet could have been the cause of the low quality vanilla ice cream, and the overly added of hot fudge that is way too sweet to be enjoyable -and may I add was served to me with way too much in the cup, which I hate because you can’t truly enjoy 16 oz of ice cream when not craving it. It was also served to me with much complaint from someone who I question how they got this far in life without making a mess from a two ingredient, no bake dessert. In the trash the rest of that ice cream went.

The weather was warm, the sun was strong, yet unlike yesterday –  a day I spent inside most of the time, the air was muggy and all you could smell was the existence of the creatures of the outdoors. Which came around me as soon as I got comfortable and started to find comfort of meditating in the stillness of the shadow of the sun on my skin, as I tried to ignore the swarms of mosquitos in this mid-Spring Florida day.

All I wanted was to be alone, no responsibilities, and figure out how to enjoy the moment.

Today, not one thing can make me happy. I also dreamt of a cousin-in-law who’s decisions in life irk me and I just don’t get so so so much about her, and it’s gotten to the point I just want to shake her and let her know there is so much more in the world than to live cranky, unhappy, and unoriginal. I can’t even remember the dream, I just know it felt like arguing or her just complaining.

I have felt uneasy. I want to yell, scream, fight, kick, punch, and scream again. Plus, I’m tired. I thought I’d sleep well. All I needed was just 2 more hours. Also, the reality that how my boy sleeps is the quality of sleep I get, and all I want is to not have any more responsibility.

Which is great to come to terms that working in childcare was just a dream that was given to me, and not really one I chose. Meaning that someone once must have told me to do a task like it, and I listened, and got comfortable with it. Shit, maybe I did the same with doing hair. And right now I’m just not in the place to spend time with others, and definitely no desire to get up and “get dressed” to go to work.

I look in the mirror and notice that my haircut does not match my mood or look or really anything I want in life for myself, as I wait for it to grow out. My clothing, may feel comfortable, but definitely not something I’d walk out the door wearing.
And my face. I look mad most of the time. I rarely have a smile. …Where did it all go? It can’t be age, can it? No, no I think it comes with the small decisions you take, make, and create daily.
I once worked in an office – well, worked from home, and some days when I needed the office I’d go in to use the office. Well, the IT folks were always there, and one IT guy (younger than I) randomly told me that I was nice, and when we spoke he randomly said he never really said hi to me or appoarched me because he thought I was always mad. Which in all honesty, I probably was mad a lot of those times at that job. Being a manager of a team, at a job I never wanted. So much of the experience there I was experiencing I did not want, nor like.

But how do we get to the point that we end up looking the way we feel? And can we improve this with age, instead of making it “worse”?

I used to have a client at a salon I worked at that lived in this self-created magical life. She created this life where she looked at everything as a sign and she was CONTINUOUSLY getting answers and downloads from a loving source. And that not only was good things happening to her, but she literally lived life as if it was a game of clue. That one message/treasure found/opportunity was just leading her to the next. And she knew her power, for sure.

When I first met her and saw her, all I thought was “wow, I want to be her when I ‘grow up’.” All I thought of her is that she had a good income now, by investments and probably not hard work, she was probably from Jersey and had a home down here as well, she was well dressed – meaning she knew her style, and she just radiated. I just knew I wanted to be her from just her appearance LOL
She also knew her power and knew who she was as a person. She didn’t rely on product to keep her hair styled, and even though her hair was frizzy, wildly curly with volume and thickness, she did the most simple style – blow-dried and pinned to cool. Release the curls and BAM, everything just fell perfectly into place. I just knew I wanted her whole look in my next lifetime.
Anyway, later on like the second or third time I took her on as a client (it was a rotating service/client salon), she randomly started talking to me about the events in her life, she was heading out to Egypt with the type of people you see on GAIA. Over that appointment and others, she shared with me her life stories and it made me feel a way that life is full of possibilities and life does not always look the same for everyone, all the time.

When life feels and looks uncontrollable, don’t tire yourself out to control. Allow yourself to be open up and try something new.