A house to myself & a fully stocked wine rack…..

Have the house to myself tonight. Its really strange! I haven’t had a house to myself, especially this size, for like, ever? I have lived in share houses in London, living with between 4-10 people for 6 years….. doesn’t give you much time to muddle aorund the house by yourself…. I enjoy it, but its funny, I find myself wanting the conversation… or something? I think I feel safer with people around as well. It’s the quiet that can make the thoughts go through the mind I guess. If people are around I may still have the thoughts but I can’t act on them.

Its bloody nice to not have the folks around though! After having your independence for so long, then moving back to Australia and back into your childhood home its all a bit of an adjustment so I am loving the week I get away from them.

Have my mate coming round for dinner and wine tomorrow night, and then a few friends around for antipasti and wine on Friday. Then my best mates birthday pool party on Saturday night and a hangover sess at my place on Sunday. I think I might go for sushi in the Valley with a group of old school friends on Thursday as well.

Twas 32 degrees today, thank god for air con!

Haven’t heard back from the job that said they will pretty much hire me…. which is a bit of a worry because I blew off an interview thinking I had the job. I guess I will call them tomorrow and find out.

I dunno, its wierd, I’m doing all this future planning but I dunno if I have a future? When you dream about it all ending its really wierd to still continue about your day like you don’t at all?

I looked up doctors who specialise in depression last night.

Now i just need to get the courage to actually go and speak to them.

I’m beginning to realise I’m not very courageous.

I read through all my old diaries as well. Eish. Its been going on for awhile. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I don’t generally like feeling sorry for myself. Although I’m sure I come across like I do. I think I should probably write down what I want to say to the doctor and just give it to him/her and let them ask what they want too. I find it hard to answer their questions when I get put on the spot. I guess I think they are secretly laughing at me… like they just want to say ‘get the hell over yourself, there is nothing wrong with you, you are just making yourself this way. There are people in this world with real problems….’

I am rambling.

No more wine for me………. well…… maybe just one more glass.

I decided today that I really want to start telling my friends how much they mean to me. I think I would feel like a bit of a wally if I did. I was thinking of buying some cards and just writing something nice, even if its just one sentence or so, saying what I really appreciate about them… its always nice to recieve letters in the mail. Then at least they know how amazing they are, if I weren’t to get the chance to actually tell them.

Time for some music and some wine…..

peace