day 7 books and tv

I’m watching the Netflix show titled something about changing your mind on the various types of psychedelics. It’s quite interesting and I wonder if something like that would help me. Though my depression isn’t chronic. It’s more “seasonal” I would say. It comes and goes whenever it wants. It used to be situational so I was never caught of guard I almost learned to expect it as certain life things would happen but now it has nothing to do with what happens or doesn’t happen it just shows up out of nowhere. I’m afraid it’ll get worse as I get older. I do notice I isolate myself more and more as I age and I believe they correlate. Anyway. The next drug on the show is mdma. Thing is I did ecstasy once. It wasn’t a great experience I was going. I was with a boy I didn’t care for and from what I remember I ashamed of my actions and how I behaved but I though t I was cool then. Ever since then I’ve hid from that boy. He means well. He used to tell my family to say hi to me etc. I didn’t care for any of that due to my shame. Thing is. I liked him before that day. I even flirted with him plenty. Anyway. I thought I knew what I was doing before I did it but regretted my actions there after. Funny I’ve never shared this with anyone. Anyway. The boy is a grown man now and I don’t necessarily know how he’s doing or even care for that matter. I still hide my face when I drive by his house. Shame. It lingers for a while. It’s been about 25-30 years since that night and still shame is as present as ever. so I’m interested to watch the next episode.
My book on stoicism prompted me with journal entries. The current chapter says that I should journal. To be honest I actually have been feeling a bit better since the journaling began. I don’t know if it’s that or if it’s just time passing but here I am. I don’t care much for the prompts I just have to jot things in my head down for now. Funny the second book I’m reading is at a point where she talks and raves about journaling being a great thing. It’s that Johanna gains book the lady with the fixer upper show. I didn’t know she was half Korean. I just assumed she was Native American. Anyway. I’m also listening to the body keeps the score. I wish I’d listen to this when I was younger like in my 20s. I think it’s pretty telling me that I can learn to curve my reactional behaviors. From what I’ve read/heard. It’s pretty much telling me that either I stunted my brain “growth” due to trauma. Well not I the trauma did or it developed as best it could in order to cope and protect itself. Thing is this book is so long and has so much info I can’t seem to process it all together the way I’d like to. This might have to be one I listen to over and over a few times. But at least it sounds like there’s hope for a better remaining 20 years. I’m excited about all the new information I’m taking in however I know I must still be present in my daily life. Clean. Feed the kids. Go to work. Etc. can I just curl up in a corner with books shelves on shelves and not have to live life. Thats my idea of comfort.

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December 24, 2023

I did mj, and was at first not too impressed bc it made me dopey and it gave me the munchies. But I like it fine today. I’m not sure what ecstasy does to you but, I’m reckoning that nothing well comes of it?

December 24, 2023

@thisisanarchy i suppose it did what people say it does. Made me feel sensual and stuff but I was a kid had no business doing that

December 24, 2023

@scribetoday I was young and stupid once.