you have killed me.

The older I grow, the more certain I become that there is something missing.  Something essential.  Maybe even the most basic element of humanity.  I see these other people, happy, connected, secure that they are a part of something…or maybe just too ignorant to care that they’re not?

Do other people feel like this?  Alienated?  Alone?  Slowly, I’ve lost all friends.  Relationships mean nothing to be, because what is humanity but I disappointment?  It’s like Slipknot said, "Nobody wants anything I’ve got, it’s all because you’re made of everything I’m not."  And what can I give to Them that they would EVER want?  I. Don’t. Feel. Human.

And it’s not an exaggeration.  And I’m not going for melodramatic, "Oh, no one understands me!"  I do not feel "misunderstood".  And I’m not condemning humanity.  If anything, I feel less than human, insanely jealous of what they have and I, for whatever reason, don’t. I feel like an animal, but one with enough consciousness to know that I am an animal.  

Am I anything to Them?  After 20 years, am I anything more than a pet, a mometary amusement in an endless procession of momentary amusements?  Pat me on the head when you’re done, send me away.  I’m less than a whore, I don’t even get paid.

But I don’t know how to do anything else.  Constantly, I affirm my independence, my strength, because, goddamn it, SOMEONE needs to have those qualities.  And for all my efforts…I get used.  And I know about it AND I LET IT GO ON.  Because I’m not independent, and I don’t have strength.  I have a formidable acting ability, a large vocabulary, and a complete lack of self-preservation. "C’mon, abuse me more, I like it."

I can’t stop running because they’ll catch me.  As long as I stay ahead, I never have to look back.